I had the opportunity to talk with my dad’s previous pastor of three decades and change today.  While we were discussing how I was doing and what I was feeling he mentioned something that was terribly obvious, fitting, and surprising for me to miss…  “Be thankful for the time that you’ve had with him instead of wanting more.” 

Seriously, how did I miss that for a while?  Over the past 24 hours or so I’ve wanted more time with him.  I’ve wanted to create more memories with him.  I’ve wanted to learn more from him.  I’ve wanted more experiences with my family and him.  I’ve wanted and wanted and wanted.

As I typed a couple of days ago, I have no regrets with my dad.  I know he loves me and is proud of me just as he knows I love him and am proud of him.  This is a great thing, but that doesn’t mean that all is well.  My desire for more has been a huge source of pain for me over the past week.

Many months ago I mentioned that happiness is wanting what I have, not having what I want.  Pastor’s words are still sinking in and I’m very much struggling to live them, but he was 100% correct.  As opposed to wanting more time, more hugs, more experiences, and more memories with Dad, I need to stay focused on what I have.  When I consider what I have from Dad it blows my mind and I struggle with where to start.

Dad gave me 40+ years of love, 14,686 spins around the Earth counting.  During each and every single one of those days I’ve known that he loves me and he’s proud of me. Each and every day I knew he was in my corner, one of my biggest fans and coaches, protecting me from everything that he could.

My values and outlook on life come from a combination of many people, and my dad was one of the biggest contributors to them.  He taught me to stay happy, positive, upbeat.  Following his example I learned the beauty of helping others when I can.  To give, give, and give more.  To make a gift of himself for the sake of helping others.

The love I have for the outdoors was fostered by his love of the outdoors.  Some of my favorite memories with him include hunting, trapping, cutting brush, and just walking outside.  He was always in awe of the natural world and would spend hours of time looking at rocks to see the beauty that God had created, the miracle it took for the rock to be where it was.

His hands were always creating.  Usually it was creating something with wood in his workshop, building houses, or helping people with projects.  It was through my experiences with him that I learned to enjoy the wonder that is creating something using my hands and God’s gifts.

As my father he showed me how to raise my children.  How to help build their work ethic.  How to appreciate and encourage their gifts.  How to push them to dream bigger and work harder.  How to show the love that he has for us.  Even as I talked with our boys last night I followed his lead.

In watching him smile and laugh I was given an appreciation for each day, each moment of life that God gives us.  This was reinforced through many conversations focused on reminding me to appreciate every single day.  He did his best to live by this credo and passed it on.

When I was struggling to find my way in college my dad wrote me a letter while he was in a hotel room for work.  If you know my dad you know what he was not someone who liked writing.  He struggled with it and wasn’t a fan (LOL – I just remembered that I also got my horrible penmanship from him!).  That said, he wrote me a letter that I still have saved that explained how much he loved me, how much he believed in me, how proud he was of me, and how he would always support me.  To this day that letter holds a very special place in my heart for two reasons.  The emotions it conveyed were incredible and helped to shape me.  The second part is that it almost read as one of my blog posts.  It was this letter from him that showed me just how you could help someone, touch someone, with words or a letter.  Taking the time to write about and for a person is an incredibly moving thing, both for the person writing and the person receiving the letter.  His letter to me opened my heart to this concept.

In writing the points above I’d be remiss to mention one of the best gifts he gave me – how to be an incredible dad.  I’m not patting myself on the back and saying that I am, it’s just that he showed me the path to fatherly greatness.  I had the best dad in the world, one who always loved me and will always love me.  Dad is nothing short of awesome, and he showed me how to share that awesomeness with my boys.  I’ll screw it up in some ways and that’s okay, just as I’ll find ways to learn from mistakes he made.  Regardless, he showed what being an excellent father really looks like.

While these words spill forth from my brain, heart, soul, and fingertips it’s funny how my attitude has already changed.  Of course I will always want more, who wouldn’t?  But when I can shut that off and really appreciate what I’ve had…  How can I do anything but smile, be happy, and be thankful to have so much?  I’ve had Dad around for so long, I’ve learned so much from him, been touched in so many ways by him, been molded into who I am by him, and have him help me mold my boys.  I am so thankful for my the time I’ve had with Dad.

Dad, I love you so much.  Thank you!

Thanks!!!

Dad’s still hanging tight in the hospital as his body works on healing.  Everything is still status quo, he needs to keep getting his body stronger over the next few days.  In a way I’m glad he’s not awake, he’d be going absolutely stir crazy by now!

Throughout the course of the past few days it’s funny how my focus has changed.  I’m looking at everyday things, sayings, and the like and seeing my dad and his impact, his legacy, in them.  Before Monday morning I would have looked right past them and not thought twice.  Now I am not only seeing them, I’m seeking them out, finding ways to help create those moments, and taking time to soak them in.  In a crazy way I feel closer to him now than I have been.  Maybe closer isn’t quite the right word…  Maybe I’ve been more aware of the profound impact that he’s had on shaping who I am and who many of us are…

Some of these moments are reminders of my dad.  Others are reflections of him in me, and in others.  Occasionally they are pictures, they are words, they are actions, they are looks, they are embraces, they are funny moments, there’s only two things they have in common…  They show me that Dad is with me always and they remind me of his love.

Here are some of those reminders:

• My Aunt Renee, after a hug, telling everyone that I “hug like Peter.”
• My cousin Brad sending me a message and used a phrase Dad always uses when I’m hurting, “I’m here bud.”
• Donuts…  I’ve eaten more donuts in the past few days than I’ve eaten in a very long time.  It was a tradition for us to have them every Saturday morning, and we’ll be doing that again tomorrow morning, complete with chocolate milk.
• Spending time in my workshop tonight with my boys.
• Having lunch with Nick, Becky, and Uncle Kevin and at times forgetting that it was Kevin and thinking it was Dad.
• Every time I’ve used the word “Dude.”  Those of you who know me understand that I use it often, to me it is a term of endearment, it means I love and respect you, and I learned it from my dad.
• Loud sneezes.  Dad’s are the loudest and have a couple of extra syllables behind them.  I used to think it was crazy, but then, after a long while, I realized that it is just way more fun!
• Spending time with Uncle Steve and as we wrapped up some time together he squeezed my shoulder the way my dad does and told me how much he appreciates my upbeat personality.
• My father in law, Ken, holding my hand and consoling me.
• The song “The Nights” by Avicii.   Listen to the lyrics once. Click here to watch it and you’ll understand.  This is what reminded me to stay focused on my family during this difficult time, keep them happy and safe, keep living life, don’t let it slip away.  Quick side note, as I watched the music video while typing my blog Gavin snuggled up with me to watch it.  As I tucked him in tonight he told me that it is now one of his favorite songs and it has great life lessons in it.  “Live your life doing good.  Have lots of fun in life.”  It’s inspired me to add the lyrics at the end of this post. 🙂
• So many old pictures of Dad and all of us from way back in the day.  There’s a reason that Old Style remains a favorite of mine for purely nostalgic reasons…  
• Listening to Dad’s brothers give each other a hard time and laugh the whole time together.  It’s the same humor that Nick, Dad & I share regularly.
• Random conversations with random people at random times.  Whether it’s helping a little girl find a way to sneak in hitting an elevator button to going out of the way to thank someone for something that is so common that they aren’t often thanked, I feel my dad’s presence.
• Handling situations the way that my dad would if our places were reversed.  There have been a handful of times in which I’ve recently reached outside of my comfort zone because I know what Dad would do and the results have been amazing.  I may be giving of myself in those spots, but I’m understanding that the rewards he receives through his actions are much greater.
• Getting messages of love, prayer, hope, and memories from his many, many friends and family.
• Becky, in the middle of a difficult moment, pointing out something very important that needed to be taken care of.  I had noticed it and wanted to avoid it, there was already too much on my plate, I didn’t want to add anything.  As soon as she pointed it out I heard my dad’s voice telling me that I knew what I had to do.  I did it, and while it’s been a little extra work the rewards have been mind blowing.
• Running to the movie theater to pick up popcorn for us to eat as a family as we all sat on the the couch to watch a movie at home tonight.

This list is not all inclusive, it’s just that there have been so many little things and moments recently.  It’s crazy to think, but I started keeping a mental list of all of those reminders and reflections in my head and it feels like I’ve forgotten many of them.  So many things that have reminded me of Dad, so many ways in which he is reflected through my actions.

Dad, thank you for living your life in a way that you truly have left a mark on the world.   A mark that is so clear that even when you’re not physically here with me, I know your presence is always with me, always in me.

I love you bud, please keep getting stronger.

Thanks!!!

When driving there is very little that is more annoying than a backseat driver, especially when they try to grab the steering wheel, yank it without warning, and start taking you in a different direction and heading towards an unknown destination.  Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to have that happen?  How much longer does it take to get where you were supposed to go?  All of this frustration and wasted energy because someone wants to take control when they are not in a position to do so.

The reason I share this story is because over the past 72+ hours I am realizing that I’m living this story and it is incredibly frustrating.  The most frustrating part?  My realization that I am the one in the passenger seat trying to yank the steering wheel in a different direction.  I don’t like the possible destinations that the driver is going and I’m doing my best to go somewhere else.  Sadly, I know that no matter how much I try to fight it I know that I can’t, no matter how hard I fight it, there is now way that I can get the car to go anywhere besides where the driver is trying to take us.  God’s driving, and I need to let go of the wheel.

Sometimes the Big Guy Upstairs just doesn’t get it – I fix things, I determine direction, I am the one that takes control in situations…  C’mon Dude (with a capital D), let me take the wheel!  Sadly, that’s often my mindset.  Somewhere in my brain my ego tries to handle everything, control everything, and direct everything.  There are some situations in life when this works very well, and there are many more when this is the worst thing to do.  Even when it’s the worst option, I struggle and default back to wanting to control things.  I see every situation, no matter how difficult and frustrating, as an opportunity to learn and get better at being me.  So far it seems like God is pointing towards this being an opportunity for me to shut up and listen to him.

Last night my Uncles, Steve & Kevin, realized that I had hit a wall physically and needed to crash.  I didn’t like that idea so I pushed back for a while.  After some convincing I took their advice, slept for several hours, woke up refreshed, and was thankful for letting go of the wheel and listening to them.

This morning my incredibly awesome in-laws (seriously, I swear that I won the In-Law Lottery!) came to visit me.  As normal I tried to jump into small talk and avoid the situation.  If I go in other directions and don’t let the conversation go where I don’t want it to go, life is great, right?  Seemingly mid sentence my father in law, Ken, looked at me with incredibly caring eyes.  He reached out, took my hand from across the table, wrapped his other hand around it, and talked about what I needed to talk about.  As I felt his hands on mine I felt love, compassion, and understanding.  In looking at him and feeling his hands on mine I saw Ken, my dad, a father, a son, pure love, complete understanding and the Holy Spirit.  It touched me at level that still leaves my eyes wet whenever I remember it.  I wish there was a way to convey just how much love and understanding there was in his eye contact.  It was an amazing moment that I will hold for my entire life.  I can’t begin to thank him enough for it.  God helped him to help me stop, let go of control and quit worrying.  I was thankful for letting go of the wheel and listening to him & Him.

Later in the morning I was able to have an incredible conversation with Pastor Glenn.  As he helped me walk through my emotions, frustrations, and concerns he helped me sift through things.  Through a couple of great questions and thoughts he quickly helped me see that I was struggling to control the situation.  After a while I was sharing why the story of Jesus was praying garden is the time I can relate most to Jesus…  And it was a beautiful reminder that I need to follow His lead, it’s okay to ask, but at the end of the day, it’s really up to The Big Guy Upstairs.  Pastor Glenn even used the analogy of letting God drive and it really helped to sink in.

One my drive home I pulled over for a quick breather.  While I was stopped I pulled out a couple of little books Pastor had given me as we wrapped up our conversation.  He nonchalantly offered them up as things that could possibly help.  When I opened the first book, this is what I saw on the first page…  God must’ve decided I could use a little more help 🙂

I got back on the road and decided to let go of the metaphorical wheel as I drove.  I started just talking with God and my dad.  I explained why I wanted more time, how much I love my dad, what my fears are, and everything along those lines.  I left myself open and exposed to both of them and myself.  It was humbling yet relieving.

Leaving my brain open I acted on the first impulse that struck me.  Pulling over again I dug up a list of songs I’ve been putting together for my boys.  In case of something bad happening to me I’ve been building a playlist that could help them with their feelings in the future.  One of the songs popped right out at me…  The Nights by Avicii.  The whole point of the song is a father telling his son to live life, make it memorable, do whatever it takes to make it something special, and enjoy it.  As I repeated, listened, sang, and took it all in I realized what direction I was being pointed to – enjoy the time I have with my boys.  My dad and I have had our time (and of course hope for more) and I need to make sure that my boys can truly live yesterday’s post of having no regrets.  God needs me to do that for them and I will.  The clarity was amazing, and I know that my dad was smiling as I realized this.  I was thankful for letting go, letting God take the wheel, and lead me to where I needed to go.  https://youtu.be/UtF6Jej8yb4

There’s nothing I’d like to do more than fix this situation.  Make my dad healthy.  Heal the pain and frustration of my family.  Get life back to what I want.  But I can’t.  It’s not my car, I’m not in the driver seat, and I’m only in the car because God asked me to sit in it.  He knows where I need to go and how to get there.  I will keep my hands off the wheel, roll down the window, enjoy the ride, and be happy where it takes me.  Sometimes He’ll probably let me decide a little bit of the route, sometimes he’ll tell me to get out and put gas in the tank.  Regardless, I will let go of the wheel.

Thanks!!!

A day like today is one that I am always thankful to have.  Today I’ve had so many incredible things to be grateful for that my head takes a very long while to sift through in search of what I should write about.  To be honest, I struggled with almost adding a second topic, but I have a feeling that it may come back in the next couple of days.

As I really dug deep and spent time in thought there’s something that I am most thankful for today.  When it comes to my relationship with my dad, I have no regrets.  At the end of the day, he knows how much I love him, how much I respect him, how much I admire him, how much I’ve learned from him, and how much of who I am is directly because of him.  I know that he loves me dearly and is proud of me.  Of course I’d like to keep building on this over many years to come with him and add more examples of this, but if today was the last for either of us, there would be no regrets.

When I’ve talked with him today all of the conversation was on making sure he knows that he needs to fight, on reading all of the prayers and thoughts from others, remembering some great memories, giving him a hard time, and just enjoying holding his hand.  I’m not tortured with guilt or burdened with wrongs that I wish I could right.  There’s not something burning that I wish I would have said to him that I need to worry about him never hearing.  There’s no wasted energy, only love.

This is where I’d love to say that I’m proud of myself for this, I worked hard to make this happen, and it is because of me that this is the case, but that would all be a lie.  Dad is the one that laid these tracks in our relationship.  He’s the one that insisted on always saying “I love you” when he and I were on the phone together.  He’s the one that reminded me of the temporary nature of life, how easily it can be taken away, and why it’s so important to say all that needs to be said.  After his dad was taken away so suddenly it seems like he wanted to make sure everything would be okay for Nick and I should something happen to him.  He worked hard to build a friendship AND be a dad, an incredibly tough balancing act.

We used to talk about it, saying we both would have no regrets should the worse case happen, but up until now that was all hypothetical.  As we’re facing a very challenging time his foundation is being tested, and it is holding. He and I don’t have to waste any energy on “what if’s”, I wish I would’ve told you’s”, or anything like that.  I know that he loves me and is proud of me.  He knows that I love him and I am proud of him.  Should tonight be the last for either of us we will have no regrets.  Because we have no regrets we can enjoy the time we have, share our love for each other, and smile regardless of the situation.

Dad, thank you for helping me feel this way with you.  It spills into my other relationships, and it is the same way I am working on building the foundation with my boys.  I love you Dad, please heal up soon…  Not so we can clear the air or right wrongs, but so we can have more fun and make more memories together.

Thanks!!!

Honestly, I get choked up every time I attempt to start typing this.  Over the past day or so we’ve been receiving an incredible number of well wishes from many, many people.  Every note, prayer, thought, and well wish is greatly appreciated.

Throughout the day I’ve occasionally hopped onto Facebook, emails, and texts.  Each message brought a smile, a tear, an insight, or great memory.  Many times a tear or two rolled down my cheek.  Whenever I attempt to respond to one message it’s as if another three appear – and that’s an incredible and very appreciated feeling.  It’s the giant, overwhelming feeling of love that has been sweeping over Dad and all of his family over the past day and a half.

Later tonight I’ll be spending some time with Dad.  As I hold his hand I’ll be walking through all of the texts, all of the calls, all of the emails, all of the messages, and all of the Facebook notes with him.  I’m going to read each to him, share who it’s from, and share a happy memory of the person.  This is going to take some time, but I know that he will appreciate it.

Thank you all again for the well wishes.  Today’s update is one of stability, which is what we were hoping for.  No sliding backwards is the goal for the next day or two, staying right where he is would be about the best news for now.  After that we can hope for more recovery.  Here’s to hoping that hearing all of your thoughts, prayers, messages, and the like will help keep him moving forward.

Thanks!!!

I’ve got to hand it to Dominic’s team manager, she did a pretty amazing job!  Maybe I’m a little biased, but Becky is pretty awesome!

On our way to the games, at the games, and in between the games I heard many people bragging up what an awesome job she did this season.  The games were scheduled fantastically, only one time did we have to travel for one game.  She busted her butt to re-schedule games in multiples to keep kids, parents, and coaches happy.  Over the course of this past season she successfully managed the change from one head coach to another (with a couple of temporary coaches in between).  Her organizational skills were top notch, everything went very smooth.  When questions were asked she helped out and got answers without hesitation.  She was always willing to take the time to give some parents (mainly ME) directions multiple times without any frustration.  Throw in the fact that she highlighted what needed to be read in the emails she sent out so I could skim past everything else and just focus on the important stuff!  How awesome is that???

I’m thankful for Dominic’s team manager for so many reasons, and it was very cool to hear so many people share that same sentiment today.  Super proud of you Becky, you did a spectacular job and I think I speak for everyone when I say – THANK YOU!!!

Thanks!!!

Ahh…  cold beer and the boat…

Sand bar on the river…

Boys playing in the water…

Music that makes me feel summer…

Becky studying like normal…  😂

Ahh…  feels like summer…

Thanks!!!

Sometimes the movies I enjoy the most are the ones that I’ve been warned to have low expectations for.  I’m told that they’re okay, but not super, go in with low expectations.  Once in a while my friends are right on the money and the movie sucked, but more often the movie turns out to be one that I really enjoy.

Today was kind of like that.  I’ve heard so much from so many people about how awful a colonoscopy was that I was fearing for the worst.  In my brain I had pictured every single part of it being one of the worst experiences of my life.  That added some extra stress and I mentally prepped myself for one of the most awful experiences ever.  My mind was primed and ready for the worst case scenario in every step.

With that in mind, I was incredibly surprised at how smooth and simple everything went today.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no hurry to get back there in five years, but it wasn’t the horrific experience I was expecting.  The drink did’t make me gag (though I was using a packet of Lemonade Crystal Light made for 16+ ounces in an 8 ounce cup).  I felt full while drinking it, but not terrible.  Fasting wasn’t fun, but it reminded me that I really do eat more than I need to most of the time.  The IV sucked and I had my normal big drop in heart rate, lightheadedness, and nausea, but it all subsided quickly (and the nurses I had were AWESOME and took great care of me).  While I was out before the procedure started I was awake for the last 10 minutes.  It didn’t hurt (I was still higher than a kite) and it was interesting to see them look under the hood…  I even got to watch them remove the lone polyp, that was kind of neat!  After the procedure the anesthetic wore off super quick and I was up on both feet and moving in no time.

There’s a fine line between stressing out to the point of freaking out and expecting the worst in order to be ready for it.  In this situation I was able to stay to the good side and it paid off.  It wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected, and I’m very thankful for that!

Thanks!!!