Wait a sec! Yesterday was Day 2,399, did you screw up on your math Kreiling? Yes, it was. When I started blogging on my 39th birthday I started with a different website <39yearsofthanksin365days.com> and then I started re-numbering when I started Thankful4Forty.com. Seeing as today was and easy number to math I figured this would be the perfect time to adjust to show exactly how many days of gratitude blogging I’ve been doing. I also had to adjust one additional day as I must’ve gotten off track at some point. So here we are, the 2,765 day of gratitude blogging – enjoy!
This was not at all what I was expecting. I have been planing on taking a short writing and creation retreat for quite some time and today was finally the day. I’m sequestered in a small single room hermitage in the bluffs. The view behind my computer monitor is the woods and valley below. There is no one else here, I am completely alone. My cell coverage is almost non-existent (we’ll see when this blog actually posts). I am largely disconnected.
In my head I saw this as a time of creativity, an opportunity to put so many thoughts together and on paper. This was to be my moment to create in the quiet one can only find in solitude…
Instead I’m almost panicking, nervous, and have a little fear rising up in my gut. I am alone. There is no one else here, only me. I am quite fond of my alone time, but this is different. This time around it seems as if some of the monsters lurking under my bed are holding a convention on how they will start their siege in the next few minutes. There are no distractions available, no covers to hide under, I am exposed. I am very uncomfortably alone.
My heart is beating a bit heavily and I’m feeling almost jumpy. I know I’m safe from physical danger, I’m not worried in that way. That said, I’m so completely uncomfortable and nervous.
Why the discomfort?
I’m nervous about having to face myself, to face my feelings, to not have distractions to take me away from deeper thoughts. I’m scared that I won’t create anything worthwhile, that I will fail in my quest to really get the next book moving forward. I’m missing my family, my home, my normal. I just want to go back to “real life” when this was all a fantastic idea and dream rather than a reality.
What’s really interesting is that as I type this I’m already seeing I needed this experience more than I realized. I’ve found an edge in my life, the line between comfort and discomfort. The edge of the map beyond which growth lives. This edge is one I need to experience, to inspect, to experiment with, and to become comfortable with.
While I’m currently nervous and uncomfortable I’m also finding an inner light of excitement. I am about to experience something new. I am about to grow. I am going into the woods alone…
Today I’m grateful for the giving of so many to others in a community. The Logan High School Convocation was an incredible reminder of the power of community and giving. There were well over 200 scholarships offered to more than 80 students in Dominic’s senior class. How awesome is that??? From organizations giving as a part of their mission to families giving in remembrance of loved ones who’ve passed on to people wanting to help others as they have been helped to helping to motivate others to a better future than the dreamt on their own – so many gifts given to so many students. What an inspiration and motivation!
LOL – this entire experience so far has been a nonstop experience in presence! Gotta love how uncomfortable moments seem to touch our nerves a bit more sharply. They may be uncomfortable but there truly is a magic in these moments. Not to sound like a broken record but the there is a magic to be found past the edges of comfort.