I had no idea just how badly I needed a weekend like this! From my post late last night, my emotions were definitely running high. The relaxing evening allowed the dams of emotion crack just enough to start a flood. Today was a little bit of the same to start, getting my head around all of the changes in life. Then Becky and I took Leia for a walk and got moving outside. From that point forward throughout the day there was literally zero stress whatsoever. A couple hour drive to The Cities for the graduation party of the son of a good friend. A couple of hours spent with some of my best friends throughout my life shooting the bull and connecting. A couple of hour drive back home with Becky including a FaceTime call with Dominic from the road. Sitting on the deck and completely losing myself in a great book (which I basically started at the end of this last week and have now finished – Red Rising). Talking with Dominic and Gavin about books via text. Relaxing with Becky on both halves of our ride. Now blogging and then off to bed.
All chill, all day, all as needed.
I’m still running on a deficit and will need to keep working on re-filling the tank, but nice to see how different it all starts to feel once I’m back on the upswing!
Today was the re-charge and rejuvenate day I’ve needed for a while. Becky and I got in an invigorating hike this morning, enjoying one of our favorite hikes…
Yeah, and that’s where I stopped typing and just sat there staring at my screen for a while. My mind racing across many emotions and memories. Kind of like the act of pausing today really allowed all the emotion to leak in through the cracks. While moving constantly for the past few months there wasn’t time to really let the emotions saturate, today was a sense of release, of slowing down… in so many ways a sense of finality of a season of life.
Gavin sent a poignant message about his emotions about his track career officially being over today. That had started to sink in for me a bit last night, in the silence of relaxation today it really sunk in. The emotions of a tectonic life shift are being given the space to breathe, and I’m not sure how I feel about all of it.
As I paused to breathe, to write my blog, I was reminded that it was nine years ago yesterday that Dad suffered his brain aneurysm. In taking a moment to reflect I also came across a video Gavin and Dominic recorded from nine years ago today wishing him well and hoping he feels better soon while also recounting their favorite memories of him. On that screen are my two sons who were eleven and eight years old who are no longer children, but men – talking about Dad, who was to be no longer less than a week after the video was created by Becky. In less than 45 seconds I felt the grief of losing both Dad and the childhood of my sons. Of course both Dominic and Gavin are a live and well, it’s just that their childhood seasons are now both complete.
When Dominic graduated I struggled, but Gavin was still at home, still a kid, and helped to soften the blow of the change. Now with Gavin graduating I am feeling very different, the loss – or better, a change – in my life as I’ve known it for the past twenty years. Through all the busy-ness of the past few months I’ve been able to keep the strong front, to say that it’ll be fine, to keep the smile. Today, with the release of stress, the relaxing of my shoulders, I can feel it so much more intensely. Almost as if it my heart knew I wasn’t quite ready to actually deal with this. Now, with a little space, I am.
I know it is not loss per se, it is a shifting of the season. I am looking forward to the next season – for myself, for Becky and I, and for the boys – we all have so much to look forward to! As I’ve learned, each change leads to the next adventures, each day seems to be better than the previous. It may be very uncomfortable as it all unfurls, but it will all work out as it always has.
All that said, today I’m grateful for allowing myself the grace to grieve the loss of this past season. It is okay that this shift hurts, it is okay that this shift is very uncomfortable, it is okay that I don’t want it to change, and it is okay that I have tears streaming down my face as I type. Change is difficult. The deeper the emotion felt the more that it has meant to us, the deeper the love we feel for all those involved.
Throughout the years I’ve found I have an early warning indicator for my stress levels. As I start to get a bit too worked up my left eye starts to burn a little. Then it gets red. Then it gets sore. If I don’t pause, it blows up into an eye infection. So crazy, and only in my left eye.
Today it got to the point of throbbing and turning red enough for my pit crew to notice and call it out. That early warning indicator helped get the pit crew involved.
I’m also very grateful for my pit crew, the people who see what is wrong, dust me off, put me back together, and get me back on the road. Sometimes their maintenance is humor, levity, perspective, deep thoughts, or great questions. Every time it is full of love and support. Today they really went above and beyond to help put me back on track!
While there hasn’t really been anything “new” from a conceptual perspective, there have been many opportunities to view parts of our work from a different perspective today. Training doesn’t always need to be novel, sometimes the most impactful part is the space created to pause and think. In that space there are so many new permutations and opportunities!
Lots of space to think today – not to add new ideas tk the mix, rather, to help clarify and consolidate or eliminate the unnecessary pieces.
Listen for what is not being said, watch for that which isn’t easily seen. Ask the questions which may cause discomfort, listen to the meaning behind their answers.
The surface is just that, the depths are what matter.
Appreciation:
Seeing the world through others in various different stages of life, reminding me of years gone by. Helping me see how far I’ve grown, reminding me to consider how I’ll feel about these same challenges in twenty years when my perspective shifts. Wishing to go back to those stages, unsure how we ever made it through, and being grateful for being past those stages – all at the same time!
Presence:
An early-ish morning run, done completely out of routine, same task as usual, but different execution lead to an increase in presence.
Whenever you get that feeling like there’s lightning in a bottle – the type that others could likely use too – trust your gut and go with it. Having the entire team read Essentialism could not have been more well timed!
Appreciation:
There are moments in our lives when we are able to pause, see a snapshot of ourselves from decades ago in someone else, and immediately have the perspective needed to see the growth we’ve had in those many years.
As each day goes by the growth can be almost impossible to gauge, but when viewed from across decades in a moment it is truly impactful.
Here’s to the reflection of my old self I saw today through the eyes of me of today.
Presence:
Yes, virtual meetings are helpful, convenient, and so easy to pull off, BUT they are never the same as being together in real life. Lots of extra driving for me today, but the moments of very focused presence were well worth the miles!
Nothing quite like being wise/old enough to realize when it’s time to get som extra sleep to get recharged! Today is definitely one of those days for me!
I’m getting to bed a little later than I planned, but that was due in large part to taking additional time to work on a side project I’m pretty excited about! More details to follow, but it’s been fun working on something that has been putting me quickly and regularly into a flow state.
Off to bed, time to recharge, there’s so much more to work on tomorrow!
We often don’t realize and appreciate the rhythms we live our lives by until they are upended for a period of time. In those moments in which muscle memory no longer works we’re left scratching our heads wondering how to get back on track and how we fell off track in the first place.
In a similar fashion to my recent blog posts the concept of normal for us has been very much upended due to a variety of reasons. As we get into little patterns of normalcy we are quickly swept up in the completely unexpected or very abnormal nature of life surrounding us.
Today was a great time with family, so positive in so many ways, yet I feel exhausted due to the seemingly constant state of running we’ve been in. I need to take some time to breathe, to catch my breath, and get back up to speed.
A wonderful day to be sure, one which reminded me of the power of keeping a rhythm.
There was no alarm set for this morning. There was no grand plan or timeline. There was nothing to prepare for the day. There was nothing on the agenda besides some hiking and heading to see Ken and Mary. Total calm, all day long, and it was amazing!!!
Becky and I were talking about how the trip we took to Arizona to see The Wave felt like it was last year, even though it was less than four months ago. So much life since then! The calm of today was a wonderful counterbalance to the nonstop we’ve lived recently.
Also, in a similar vein, while at Ken and Mary’s I stood outside less than two feet away from the hummingbird feeders and stood still while holding my camera out to record the buzzing birds. So much fun to watch, so chill! One almost landed on my phone while another was only a few inches from my arm. Gotta love close encounters with nature like that!
Thankful for Forty 