There’s still a big hole in my life today…  There’ve been several times in which I was about to call Dad but then realized that he’s not around.  While I still talk to him it’s just not the same and there’s a feeling of loss every time I think of calling.  That’s why I’m thankful for some pretty awesome distractions that helped me out a lot today.

The day started off with a couple of my uncles coming over to help move some small trees to a new location near the house.  There was something therapeutic about planting those trees, it was something that we can look back to and remember fondly.  It also provided some quality time with my uncles, brother, and Dominic.  As we wrapped up I had the opportunity to see my dad’s most recent shed and it left me smiling.

Later in the day Nancy, her sister Patsy, Becky, the boys, and I pulled out the paintball guns and played the game they loved with Grandpa Pete, Paintball Chicken.  We laughed, giggled, had a great time, and had a brief respite from grief.

Before heading out we spent time picking rocks in the pit.  This was one of Dad’s favorite hobbies and we always had fun doing that with him.  I felt close to him while searching out the best rocks.  Over the course of the week I ended up with a 5 gallon bucket full of rocks. 🙂

On the way home Becky and I drove separately (a result of timing for Thursday) so Dominic rode with me.  The ride started with Dominic playing his iPod and me listening to an audiobook.  After a while he put his iPod down and I turned off the book.  We were quiet, then started chatting, and then proceeded to rock out to the tunes he had on his iPod.  We jammed out, did some car dancing, sang loud, and laughed a lot.  Next thing I knew we were back home, but both smiling.  Dad would have been proud (of the time together, not the musical choices!).

I have a sneaking suspicion that it’ll be a long road until life starts to feel normal again, but as long as I can keep finding moments like there were today I know that I’ll be alright.

Love you Dad!

Thanks!!!

Tonight I’ve got to start off with a warning…  I’m emotionally exhausted and am not quite sure where this is going to end up.  Often times I have a somewhat preset direction that I’m going to go, but tonight I’m shooting from the hip a la Dad’s favorite football player ever, Brett Favre.   There were so many reasons I am thankful for Dad’s funeral, when I try to pinpoint a few I’m completely overwhelmed with so many thoughts and emotions.  I’m going to try to go chronologically in order to not miss anything.

I’m thankful for the huge numbers of people who came in to pay their respects to Dad.  It warmed my heart to see just a fraction of the people he’s impacted in his life.  There was constantly a line of people coming in, the church was packed, and there were even a few friends from out of town that had to listen from the basement due to the upstairs being filled.

Seeing so many people from my childhood, my past, dad’s friends, high school acquaintances, and other people from around town that I haven’t seen in a very long time.  I’m very thankful for seeing so many familiar faces.

There were so many friends from out of town, in town and all around that came in. There were some that I knew were coming and there was a handful of surprises that left me choked up.  Having that much support and love all around me was nothing short of awesome and greatly appreciated!

During the funeral I spoke for my dad.  It was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life.  My hope was to put myself in Dad’s shoes and share what he would want to be said at his funeral.  (I’ll copy the speech down below as I had a handful of requests for it)  Knowing that I was about to address many people about a very emotional topic I was very nervous about my ability to make it through without breaking down.  During one of our car conversations Dad made it clear to me that he would give me strength.  As I spoke I felt his hand on my shoulder and it wasn’t until the last couple of sentences that I struggled.  After the dust of the funeral settled I had a moment of silence that I filled by talking with Dad.  In my head (and in my heart) I heard him tell me he was “proud of you bud!”

There were so many stories of my dad shared that I struggled to keep them all in my memory.  Most of them involved Dad cheering someone up, helping someone out, or helping others appreciate each day of their life.  It was awesome!  I always knew my dad was a super hero, but this just added to his legacy.

So many hugs, cries, and expressions of love were shared.  While my heart hurts from missing my dad, my heart was filled with all of the love today.  I could feel him jumping in on the hugs from time to time.

After the funeral Nick and I spent some quiet time with just the two of us drinking beers while sitting on the rock wall talking about the day, Dad, and life without Dad.  The bonding that was done was priceless and will always be remembered.

Becky’s been watching all over me today, taking care of me, holding me up, and making sure that I keep making it through.  I’m so thankful for having her in my life!

There were a couple of other moments that I am thankful for, but they’ll either have to wait or are a little more private.  

One last one to share, I’m thankful for this day to end.  I’m emotionally exhausted, in a weird mix of sad yet very happy…  maybe satisfied is the better description?  Regardless, I also feel an overwhelming sense of love and a great deal of pride for my dad.  There’s also some nervousness as I realize just how big of shoes he’s left for me to fill.  That said, I’m ready for bed.  I’m ready to start a new day.  I’ll hold this one in my head and heart for eternity, and am very thankful for it, but it is time to rest.

Thank you again to everyone for the hugs well wishes, prayers, and so on.  Whether you were here or not I know so many were with us in spirit today to celebrate my dad.  Thank you all for the love, it is greatly appreciated!!!

Love you Dad!

Thanks!!!

Reflection of Dad at His Funeral:

There was a man who brightened the lives of all who had met him, and his name was Pete.  

That’s really it, isn’t it?  The whole story of my dad in a nutshell.  In just one sentence you probably have a flood of fond memories of him.  Let me re-read that sentence…  Take time to smile about the memories that come to mind…

There was a man who brightened the lives of all who had met him, and his name was Pete.  

For me this brings back memories of building a treehouse with Dad and his grandsons.  It reminds me of putting in a ceiling light with Dad and my brother.  I remember the smile and giddiness of my dad as we happened to drive past his old bible camp on a trip into the UP.

Those memories are the ones that will bring us happiness in this time of sadness.  Dad gave us all a great gift, those memories and we need to hold on to them tightly.

We also owe it to Dad to not only keep those memories alive in our hearts, but also to create more memories like them for others.  If Dad had one wish it wasn’t for a huge crowd or a fancy funeral, it was for all of us to help each other.  To create more happiness for each of us. 

Each and every day of his life Dad lived to his set of core values.  As we continue to live our lives we may think of him and smile as we live those values.  For instance, when you start a conversation with a stranger and they walk away smiling, Dad was with you.  

Dad was a family man.  Living his Christian ideals this meant that the word family wasn’t limited to just blood, it was inclusive of everyone.  Whether son, spouse, brother, friend, or stranger he loved you and you could feel it.  

There was an appreciation for life Dad Pete had that inspired each of us.  He was present in each moment and every conversation.  Always playful, he could always find the way to bring a smile to anyone at any time.

The harder the work the greater the reward for Dad.  In the woods, in his workshop, at a friend’s house, or wherever his help was needed he enjoyed the pleasure that comes from hard work.

Most importantly, Dad’s focus was on helping anyone who needed help.  He was always giving of his time, skills, and anything that was ever needed.  Whether taking time to sit with a friend, help with his church, listen to a friend, coach a little league team, bring a smile to someone who’s hurting or answer one of about a thousand home improvement questions for his sons, he was always there to help.  His generosity and love of helping others will continue through all of us.

If we wish to honor Dad’s legacy and help it continue here are three ways he would like us to do that.

1. Start a conversation with a stranger and leave them smiling, maybe buy lunch for someone you don’t know in a diner, but help a stranger smile

2. Be willing to make a gift of ourselves and help someone who needs it, there’s always a way if you are willing

3. Appreciate every day God grants us.  Love your family (& all of mankind) and share that love with them.  Stay positive, smile, and be thankful for what you have.  Be present.  That’s how we show appreciation for each day.

The biggest tribute we can give him is to live those values and help others smile.  Dad may have passed away, but his legacy will live on through many for generations.

There was a man who brightened the lives of all who’d met him, and his name was Pete.  We’re all better having known him…  and I incredibly fortunate and proud to have been able to call him Dad. 

I love you Dad.

What I am thankful for today is something that has been running through my head on a regular basis over the past few days, but I’m especially thankful for it.  As I continue to process everything it keeps looping over and over in my head…  Dad gave us the gift of extra time to prepare ourselves.  I’m not sure if it was God’s plan to work out this way or if Dad did some negotiating for a little extra time, but either way, I’m thankful we had extra time.

When the call came that Dad had a stroke I was nervous but assumed it would be okay.  I’ve known many people who’ve had a stroke and while of course it is a big deal, it is something that can be recovered from.  Plus, maybe it isn’t really that bad, maybe it was something else, maybe he’s going to be fine in a days.  Those were all thoughts running through my head.

After Nick called the second time to let me know Dad was being air lifted to Marshfield I became more nervous.  It must be serious for the chopper to get him, but I’m sure he’ll be okay.  There was fear, but manageable fear.  At this point I had still planned on joking with Dad about how “if you really wanted a helicopter ride that bad…” I was becoming more scared, but I was still optimistic.

When I saw Dad in the hospital for the first time I was scared.  He just wasn’t right and he was unconscious.  When the neurologist was explaining his situation and mentioned “die” I quickly drifted into another world.  This one had stopped spinning and completely thrown me off of it.  As I started to come back to reality the neurosurgeon told us that Dad would die if there wasn’t a surgery and possibly wouldn’t survive the surgery I was shaken to the core.

Once surgery was complete I was still petrified, but was optimistic.  Over the next handful of days I started to come to grips with the fact that I may never talk with my dad again.  On Saturday morning I dealt with knowing that I would never talk with my dad again (at least physically).  I shared the news with Becky while at a soccer tournament and then with my boys that night at home.  We all dealt with it on Sunday and started to really picture what the world without Dad would be like.

Monday I thought I’d have more time with him.  Maybe a miracle would occur and he’d be okay I kept thinking.  While that thought resonated I kept realizing he would be gone, but not for a long while.  When the nurse let us know he was struggling that afternoon it started to loom over me, the specter of his death.  As I stood by him as he faded I kept hoping for a different conclusion, but it kept sinking in.  Upon his last breath I still held on to some crazy hop.  When his heart stopped I realized he was gone.  Over the next few hours I slowly came to grips with life without Dad.

There was a really high probability that Dad would’ve been gone right away on the first Monday (6/5), but he didn’t, he survived.  By staying for another week he gave all of us the gift of more time.  To be sure, I’m not thinking it was just for me or anything crazy like that.  I’m thinking there were many many reasons he hung for a week.  Maybe there were things people had to say.  Maybe there were things to fixed.  Maybe there were things to be learned.  Maybe we needed time to prepare.

That’s why I am so thankful for the extra time that Dad gave us (or the Big Guy Upstairs gave us).  I have learned so much more about myself, my faith, my family, and my ability to live without my dad.  Had Dad been gone right away there were many things that would’ve been missed, unsaid, undiscovered.  I also know that I wouldn’t have been able to deal with losing one of the most important people in my entire life in the blink of an eye.  While maybe I was strong enough I’m thinking I would have crumbled.  By having Dad give us all extra time I was able to better prepare, stay stronger, focus, and learn many lessons from this situation.  I still don’t like the outcome, but I’m glad Dad gave us one final gift, some extra time to prepare ourselves.  Thanks Dad!!!

Thanks!!!

Dad’s been gone for less than 32 hours as I type this I’m still struggling to get used to this new version of life.  While I can’t pick up the phone and have our normal every few day conversations I’m finding that it’s very easy for me to still talk with him and feel his presence, just in a different way.

In this new “regular” I’ve got someone who’s side by side with me that understands almost exactly what I’m going through.  Everyone had a slightly different relationship with Dad.  He was a spouse, a brother, a friend, and a helper as he was known to others.  I could guess at how they are feeling, but it’s different than how I feel.  Not better, worse, harder or easier, just different.  Then we all have different family dynamics, support structures, and the like.  Except for one person who’s the son of Dad and has much of the same family…  My little brother Nick.

Depending on the day and which of us you ask we’d tell you just how similar we are or how opposite of each other we are.  Regardless, we have many common traits.  We also have many strengths that offset the other’s weaknesses.  We also “get” each other and help to raise each other up when needed.

Losing Dad has absolutely sucked.  That said, there’ve been a handful of positives that have come from his passing.  One of them is that Nick and I are closer now than we’ve ever been before.  We’re helping each other more, talking more, and becoming better friends.  Our relationship has always been pretty solid, but it just keeps getting better.

As we worked through the planning details and whatnot we both hit the point that we needed to power down for a while.  We went out to the gravel pit and started looking for rocks.  This quickly escalated into throwing and breaking rocks, and then was a full on, two little boys playing in the mud event.  It was awesome.  We were giggling, giving each other a hard time, having fun, sharing stories, and enjoying the moment.  Even when a sandal was lost in 15-ish inches of quicksand we continued to have a blast before going back to reality.

After our does of reality was over we headed out to Stoney Pub for dinner (got the chimi for you Dad!) and a few beers before heading home.  Those two moments today were the first we’ve had for just the two of us in a very long time and it was exactly what we needed to keep working through the healing process together.

Knowing that I have Nick alongside me I know that we will both be alright.  Nick, thanks for being there to stand with me as we overcome the greatest challenge we’ve had as a family.  I couldn’t do it without you.

Thanks!!!

Dad passed away today.  My emotions range from joy for him being able to spend time with his parents, family, and friends already in heaven to the stinging sadness of realizing that I won’t be able to physically hug him again.  Just when I start to feel sad I remember that Dad’s in a place with all the wood he wants, free of charge, and in the greatest workshop ever. 🙂

While I’ve struggled to think up the right things to write tonight I’m going to fall back on a beautiful Bruce Springsteen song that I’ve sang well over a dozen times today.  While the name of it is “Terry’s Song” it could have easily been “Pete’s Song.”  You can check it out here…

Well they built the Titanic to be one of a kind, but many ships have ruled the seas
They built the Eiffel Tower to stand alone, but they could build another if they please
Taj Mahal, the pyramids of Egypt, are unique I suppose
But when they built you, brother, they broke the mold

Now the world is filled with many wonders under the passing sun
And sometimes something comes along and you know it’s for sure the only one
The Mona Lisa, the David, the Sistine Chapel, Jesus, Mary, and Joe
And when they built you, brother, they broke the mold

When they built you, brother, they turned dust into gold
When they built you, brother, they broke the mold

They say you can’t take it with you, but I think that they’re wrong
‘Cause all I know is I woke up this morning, and something big was gone
Gone into that dark ether where you’re still young and hard and cold
Just like when they built you, brother, they broke the mold

Now your death is upon us and we’ll return your ashes to the earth
And I know you’ll take comfort in knowing you’ve been roundly blessed and cursed
But love is a power greater than death, just like the songs and stories told
And when she built you, brother, she broke the mold

That attitude’s a power stronger than death, alive and burning her stone cold
When they built you, brother

Dad is the greatest man I’ve ever known, he’s truly one of a kind.  I am so thankful to have spent 40+ years with him and I am honored to be able to call him Dad.

I love you Dad.

Thanks!!!

I had the opportunity to talk with my dad’s previous pastor of three decades and change today.  While we were discussing how I was doing and what I was feeling he mentioned something that was terribly obvious, fitting, and surprising for me to miss…  “Be thankful for the time that you’ve had with him instead of wanting more.” 

Seriously, how did I miss that for a while?  Over the past 24 hours or so I’ve wanted more time with him.  I’ve wanted to create more memories with him.  I’ve wanted to learn more from him.  I’ve wanted more experiences with my family and him.  I’ve wanted and wanted and wanted.

As I typed a couple of days ago, I have no regrets with my dad.  I know he loves me and is proud of me just as he knows I love him and am proud of him.  This is a great thing, but that doesn’t mean that all is well.  My desire for more has been a huge source of pain for me over the past week.

Many months ago I mentioned that happiness is wanting what I have, not having what I want.  Pastor’s words are still sinking in and I’m very much struggling to live them, but he was 100% correct.  As opposed to wanting more time, more hugs, more experiences, and more memories with Dad, I need to stay focused on what I have.  When I consider what I have from Dad it blows my mind and I struggle with where to start.

Dad gave me 40+ years of love, 14,686 spins around the Earth counting.  During each and every single one of those days I’ve known that he loves me and he’s proud of me. Each and every day I knew he was in my corner, one of my biggest fans and coaches, protecting me from everything that he could.

My values and outlook on life come from a combination of many people, and my dad was one of the biggest contributors to them.  He taught me to stay happy, positive, upbeat.  Following his example I learned the beauty of helping others when I can.  To give, give, and give more.  To make a gift of himself for the sake of helping others.

The love I have for the outdoors was fostered by his love of the outdoors.  Some of my favorite memories with him include hunting, trapping, cutting brush, and just walking outside.  He was always in awe of the natural world and would spend hours of time looking at rocks to see the beauty that God had created, the miracle it took for the rock to be where it was.

His hands were always creating.  Usually it was creating something with wood in his workshop, building houses, or helping people with projects.  It was through my experiences with him that I learned to enjoy the wonder that is creating something using my hands and God’s gifts.

As my father he showed me how to raise my children.  How to help build their work ethic.  How to appreciate and encourage their gifts.  How to push them to dream bigger and work harder.  How to show the love that he has for us.  Even as I talked with our boys last night I followed his lead.

In watching him smile and laugh I was given an appreciation for each day, each moment of life that God gives us.  This was reinforced through many conversations focused on reminding me to appreciate every single day.  He did his best to live by this credo and passed it on.

When I was struggling to find my way in college my dad wrote me a letter while he was in a hotel room for work.  If you know my dad you know what he was not someone who liked writing.  He struggled with it and wasn’t a fan (LOL – I just remembered that I also got my horrible penmanship from him!).  That said, he wrote me a letter that I still have saved that explained how much he loved me, how much he believed in me, how proud he was of me, and how he would always support me.  To this day that letter holds a very special place in my heart for two reasons.  The emotions it conveyed were incredible and helped to shape me.  The second part is that it almost read as one of my blog posts.  It was this letter from him that showed me just how you could help someone, touch someone, with words or a letter.  Taking the time to write about and for a person is an incredibly moving thing, both for the person writing and the person receiving the letter.  His letter to me opened my heart to this concept.

In writing the points above I’d be remiss to mention one of the best gifts he gave me – how to be an incredible dad.  I’m not patting myself on the back and saying that I am, it’s just that he showed me the path to fatherly greatness.  I had the best dad in the world, one who always loved me and will always love me.  Dad is nothing short of awesome, and he showed me how to share that awesomeness with my boys.  I’ll screw it up in some ways and that’s okay, just as I’ll find ways to learn from mistakes he made.  Regardless, he showed what being an excellent father really looks like.

While these words spill forth from my brain, heart, soul, and fingertips it’s funny how my attitude has already changed.  Of course I will always want more, who wouldn’t?  But when I can shut that off and really appreciate what I’ve had…  How can I do anything but smile, be happy, and be thankful to have so much?  I’ve had Dad around for so long, I’ve learned so much from him, been touched in so many ways by him, been molded into who I am by him, and have him help me mold my boys.  I am so thankful for my the time I’ve had with Dad.

Dad, I love you so much.  Thank you!

Thanks!!!

Dad’s still hanging tight in the hospital as his body works on healing.  Everything is still status quo, he needs to keep getting his body stronger over the next few days.  In a way I’m glad he’s not awake, he’d be going absolutely stir crazy by now!

Throughout the course of the past few days it’s funny how my focus has changed.  I’m looking at everyday things, sayings, and the like and seeing my dad and his impact, his legacy, in them.  Before Monday morning I would have looked right past them and not thought twice.  Now I am not only seeing them, I’m seeking them out, finding ways to help create those moments, and taking time to soak them in.  In a crazy way I feel closer to him now than I have been.  Maybe closer isn’t quite the right word…  Maybe I’ve been more aware of the profound impact that he’s had on shaping who I am and who many of us are…

Some of these moments are reminders of my dad.  Others are reflections of him in me, and in others.  Occasionally they are pictures, they are words, they are actions, they are looks, they are embraces, they are funny moments, there’s only two things they have in common…  They show me that Dad is with me always and they remind me of his love.

Here are some of those reminders:

• My Aunt Renee, after a hug, telling everyone that I “hug like Peter.”
• My cousin Brad sending me a message and used a phrase Dad always uses when I’m hurting, “I’m here bud.”
• Donuts…  I’ve eaten more donuts in the past few days than I’ve eaten in a very long time.  It was a tradition for us to have them every Saturday morning, and we’ll be doing that again tomorrow morning, complete with chocolate milk.
• Spending time in my workshop tonight with my boys.
• Having lunch with Nick, Becky, and Uncle Kevin and at times forgetting that it was Kevin and thinking it was Dad.
• Every time I’ve used the word “Dude.”  Those of you who know me understand that I use it often, to me it is a term of endearment, it means I love and respect you, and I learned it from my dad.
• Loud sneezes.  Dad’s are the loudest and have a couple of extra syllables behind them.  I used to think it was crazy, but then, after a long while, I realized that it is just way more fun!
• Spending time with Uncle Steve and as we wrapped up some time together he squeezed my shoulder the way my dad does and told me how much he appreciates my upbeat personality.
• My father in law, Ken, holding my hand and consoling me.
• The song “The Nights” by Avicii.   Listen to the lyrics once. Click here to watch it and you’ll understand.  This is what reminded me to stay focused on my family during this difficult time, keep them happy and safe, keep living life, don’t let it slip away.  Quick side note, as I watched the music video while typing my blog Gavin snuggled up with me to watch it.  As I tucked him in tonight he told me that it is now one of his favorite songs and it has great life lessons in it.  “Live your life doing good.  Have lots of fun in life.”  It’s inspired me to add the lyrics at the end of this post. 🙂
• So many old pictures of Dad and all of us from way back in the day.  There’s a reason that Old Style remains a favorite of mine for purely nostalgic reasons…  
• Listening to Dad’s brothers give each other a hard time and laugh the whole time together.  It’s the same humor that Nick, Dad & I share regularly.
• Random conversations with random people at random times.  Whether it’s helping a little girl find a way to sneak in hitting an elevator button to going out of the way to thank someone for something that is so common that they aren’t often thanked, I feel my dad’s presence.
• Handling situations the way that my dad would if our places were reversed.  There have been a handful of times in which I’ve recently reached outside of my comfort zone because I know what Dad would do and the results have been amazing.  I may be giving of myself in those spots, but I’m understanding that the rewards he receives through his actions are much greater.
• Getting messages of love, prayer, hope, and memories from his many, many friends and family.
• Becky, in the middle of a difficult moment, pointing out something very important that needed to be taken care of.  I had noticed it and wanted to avoid it, there was already too much on my plate, I didn’t want to add anything.  As soon as she pointed it out I heard my dad’s voice telling me that I knew what I had to do.  I did it, and while it’s been a little extra work the rewards have been mind blowing.
• Running to the movie theater to pick up popcorn for us to eat as a family as we all sat on the the couch to watch a movie at home tonight.

This list is not all inclusive, it’s just that there have been so many little things and moments recently.  It’s crazy to think, but I started keeping a mental list of all of those reminders and reflections in my head and it feels like I’ve forgotten many of them.  So many things that have reminded me of Dad, so many ways in which he is reflected through my actions.

Dad, thank you for living your life in a way that you truly have left a mark on the world.   A mark that is so clear that even when you’re not physically here with me, I know your presence is always with me, always in me.

I love you bud, please keep getting stronger.

Thanks!!!

When driving there is very little that is more annoying than a backseat driver, especially when they try to grab the steering wheel, yank it without warning, and start taking you in a different direction and heading towards an unknown destination.  Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to have that happen?  How much longer does it take to get where you were supposed to go?  All of this frustration and wasted energy because someone wants to take control when they are not in a position to do so.

The reason I share this story is because over the past 72+ hours I am realizing that I’m living this story and it is incredibly frustrating.  The most frustrating part?  My realization that I am the one in the passenger seat trying to yank the steering wheel in a different direction.  I don’t like the possible destinations that the driver is going and I’m doing my best to go somewhere else.  Sadly, I know that no matter how much I try to fight it I know that I can’t, no matter how hard I fight it, there is now way that I can get the car to go anywhere besides where the driver is trying to take us.  God’s driving, and I need to let go of the wheel.

Sometimes the Big Guy Upstairs just doesn’t get it – I fix things, I determine direction, I am the one that takes control in situations…  C’mon Dude (with a capital D), let me take the wheel!  Sadly, that’s often my mindset.  Somewhere in my brain my ego tries to handle everything, control everything, and direct everything.  There are some situations in life when this works very well, and there are many more when this is the worst thing to do.  Even when it’s the worst option, I struggle and default back to wanting to control things.  I see every situation, no matter how difficult and frustrating, as an opportunity to learn and get better at being me.  So far it seems like God is pointing towards this being an opportunity for me to shut up and listen to him.

Last night my Uncles, Steve & Kevin, realized that I had hit a wall physically and needed to crash.  I didn’t like that idea so I pushed back for a while.  After some convincing I took their advice, slept for several hours, woke up refreshed, and was thankful for letting go of the wheel and listening to them.

This morning my incredibly awesome in-laws (seriously, I swear that I won the In-Law Lottery!) came to visit me.  As normal I tried to jump into small talk and avoid the situation.  If I go in other directions and don’t let the conversation go where I don’t want it to go, life is great, right?  Seemingly mid sentence my father in law, Ken, looked at me with incredibly caring eyes.  He reached out, took my hand from across the table, wrapped his other hand around it, and talked about what I needed to talk about.  As I felt his hands on mine I felt love, compassion, and understanding.  In looking at him and feeling his hands on mine I saw Ken, my dad, a father, a son, pure love, complete understanding and the Holy Spirit.  It touched me at level that still leaves my eyes wet whenever I remember it.  I wish there was a way to convey just how much love and understanding there was in his eye contact.  It was an amazing moment that I will hold for my entire life.  I can’t begin to thank him enough for it.  God helped him to help me stop, let go of control and quit worrying.  I was thankful for letting go of the wheel and listening to him & Him.

Later in the morning I was able to have an incredible conversation with Pastor Glenn.  As he helped me walk through my emotions, frustrations, and concerns he helped me sift through things.  Through a couple of great questions and thoughts he quickly helped me see that I was struggling to control the situation.  After a while I was sharing why the story of Jesus was praying garden is the time I can relate most to Jesus…  And it was a beautiful reminder that I need to follow His lead, it’s okay to ask, but at the end of the day, it’s really up to The Big Guy Upstairs.  Pastor Glenn even used the analogy of letting God drive and it really helped to sink in.

One my drive home I pulled over for a quick breather.  While I was stopped I pulled out a couple of little books Pastor had given me as we wrapped up our conversation.  He nonchalantly offered them up as things that could possibly help.  When I opened the first book, this is what I saw on the first page…  God must’ve decided I could use a little more help 🙂

I got back on the road and decided to let go of the metaphorical wheel as I drove.  I started just talking with God and my dad.  I explained why I wanted more time, how much I love my dad, what my fears are, and everything along those lines.  I left myself open and exposed to both of them and myself.  It was humbling yet relieving.

Leaving my brain open I acted on the first impulse that struck me.  Pulling over again I dug up a list of songs I’ve been putting together for my boys.  In case of something bad happening to me I’ve been building a playlist that could help them with their feelings in the future.  One of the songs popped right out at me…  The Nights by Avicii.  The whole point of the song is a father telling his son to live life, make it memorable, do whatever it takes to make it something special, and enjoy it.  As I repeated, listened, sang, and took it all in I realized what direction I was being pointed to – enjoy the time I have with my boys.  My dad and I have had our time (and of course hope for more) and I need to make sure that my boys can truly live yesterday’s post of having no regrets.  God needs me to do that for them and I will.  The clarity was amazing, and I know that my dad was smiling as I realized this.  I was thankful for letting go, letting God take the wheel, and lead me to where I needed to go.  https://youtu.be/UtF6Jej8yb4

There’s nothing I’d like to do more than fix this situation.  Make my dad healthy.  Heal the pain and frustration of my family.  Get life back to what I want.  But I can’t.  It’s not my car, I’m not in the driver seat, and I’m only in the car because God asked me to sit in it.  He knows where I need to go and how to get there.  I will keep my hands off the wheel, roll down the window, enjoy the ride, and be happy where it takes me.  Sometimes He’ll probably let me decide a little bit of the route, sometimes he’ll tell me to get out and put gas in the tank.  Regardless, I will let go of the wheel.

Thanks!!!