Day 3,988

Growth:

As we drove from one part of New River Gorge to another we got a fun text from Gavin saying he’d decided to opt for a double major of neuroscience and biophysics because it wasn’t that much more work.  We both chuckled and commented on how grateful we are for both boys being as intelligent as they are, and then an old quote that is one of my favorites came back to mind.  

“We are what they grow beyond, that is the true burden of all masters.”  This was from the wise philosopher, Yoda.

What struck me most is that this is exactly the moment in which there is so much the boys both have to learn which is beyond my capability.  I’ve worked to share as much as I can with them, and for sure, there is still much more for me to share with them, but they are at the point when they really need to reach out beyond Becky and I for their next steps of growth. 

There’s something very sad and empty feeling about that for me, both in knowing that they have grown beyond needing my help, and from a sense of personal purpose – what else do I have to offer if that which I am most used to contributing is no longer needed by those I focused it on?

That said, there’s still a very fulfilling and rewarding side as well.  It appears we’ve done well in our roles to help take care of them and to grow them, they are both very much ready for the next stages of their lives.  There’s a calm in knowing that if something should happen to me I’ve done what was needed to help them be as prepared as I can help them to be.  

Intriguing thought processes to be sure, where does my focus and energy go now?  To which directions should I channel it?  

Appreciation:

To pause life so much that the actual sense of relaxation really sinks in, the ability to sleep eight plus hours for multiple nights, the quiet calm of a still mind as a place to play with thoughts and ideas.  I honestly forgot which day of the week it was this morning, Becky laughed so hard as I had to do some calculations to make sure I knew which day it actually was.  

This sense of calm that is found when there is no email to check, no calls to return, no “priorities” to focus on for the day.  Creating space for my mind to breathe, for my soul to have the space it needs to create and think and reflect and put all the lessons learned into a more coherent thought.  This time to pause and reflect, to savor the beauty of nature so much more clearly, to exist with Becky and connect – often with no words needed, only a smile – this is what it means to be on vacation.  I’m so glad to have created this space for my soul.

Presence:

I think this may be the first time I’ve typed my blog on a laptop sitting in front of a campfire!  The smell of the burning hardwood, the earth of the fire, the dancing of the flames behind my screen as I type, a siren of sorts, a glowing muse for my blog.  This could be a more common practice as I create more space for my mind to pause and think.

Thanks!!!