Tag: life

Thankful for the True Burden of All Masters (and Parents), Pausing Life to Allow My Soul to Breathe, & Blogging by the Campfire

Day 3,988

Growth:

As we drove from one part of New River Gorge to another we got a fun text from Gavin saying he’d decided to opt for a double major of neuroscience and biophysics because it wasn’t that much more work.  We both chuckled and commented on how grateful we are for both boys being as intelligent as they are, and then an old quote that is one of my favorites came back to mind.  

“We are what they grow beyond, that is the true burden of all masters.”  This was from the wise philosopher, Yoda.

What struck me most is that this is exactly the moment in which there is so much the boys both have to learn which is beyond my capability.  I’ve worked to share as much as I can with them, and for sure, there is still much more for me to share with them, but they are at the point when they really need to reach out beyond Becky and I for their next steps of growth. 

There’s something very sad and empty feeling about that for me, both in knowing that they have grown beyond needing my help, and from a sense of personal purpose – what else do I have to offer if that which I am most used to contributing is no longer needed by those I focused it on?

That said, there’s still a very fulfilling and rewarding side as well.  It appears we’ve done well in our roles to help take care of them and to grow them, they are both very much ready for the next stages of their lives.  There’s a calm in knowing that if something should happen to me I’ve done what was needed to help them be as prepared as I can help them to be.  

Intriguing thought processes to be sure, where does my focus and energy go now?  To which directions should I channel it?  

Appreciation:

To pause life so much that the actual sense of relaxation really sinks in, the ability to sleep eight plus hours for multiple nights, the quiet calm of a still mind as a place to play with thoughts and ideas.  I honestly forgot which day of the week it was this morning, Becky laughed so hard as I had to do some calculations to make sure I knew which day it actually was.  

This sense of calm that is found when there is no email to check, no calls to return, no “priorities” to focus on for the day.  Creating space for my mind to breathe, for my soul to have the space it needs to create and think and reflect and put all the lessons learned into a more coherent thought.  This time to pause and reflect, to savor the beauty of nature so much more clearly, to exist with Becky and connect – often with no words needed, only a smile – this is what it means to be on vacation.  I’m so glad to have created this space for my soul.

Presence:

I think this may be the first time I’ve typed my blog on a laptop sitting in front of a campfire!  The smell of the burning hardwood, the earth of the fire, the dancing of the flames behind my screen as I type, a siren of sorts, a glowing muse for my blog.  This could be a more common practice as I create more space for my mind to pause and think.

Thanks!!!

Thankful for Mid-Life Awareness, Dominic, & Existing with the Campfire

Day 3,986

Growth:

With the big 5 – 0 slowly creeping up on me like a screaming ninja dragging three bags of empty aluminum cans and glass bottles across a bumpy concrete alley I’ve been starting to pause and consider this milestone in more detail.

What I find interesting isn’t the sensation of “oh my god, I’m so old” so much as it is a “woah, it is now pretty much guaranteed that half of my life is behind me.”  Along those lines, there is no panic of death looming ahead, no sudden “I need to make all these crazy changes,” or deep re-consideration of all of my life choices.  

It’s an oddly calm sensation, a realization of a life well lived. 

It’s a vivid reminder of just how quickly time can pass by when we aren’t paying attention to it.

It’s the thought that I should have more gratitude for each day I have, to live more intentionally.

No fear, no crazy negative feelings, no sense of suddenly being old, feeble, and unable to do the things I enjoy doing.  No panic of being in the back nine and trying to catch back up to par.  

I feel oddly refreshed.  The lint filter of my mind seems to be getting cleaned out with this rolling of the odometer.  Getting rid of the gunk so I can finish efficiently and on track.  An opportunity to pause, re-evaluate direction, and re-prioritize what I want to accomplish with the clarity of seeing the finish line. 

Mid-life crisis?  Not even fucking close.  More like mid-life intentionality?  Mid-life re-prioritizing?  Mid-life awakening?

Hmm…. Nope, none of this quite nail it.

Mid-life awareness?  That’s the sensation, the opportunity, the challenge, all in a nutshell!

Appreciation:

Gavin had me thinking about my first week of college at Michigan Tech way back in the day yesterday, funny that Dominic brought back a different set of memories today!

Dominic celebrated his 21st birthday today!  While I still think Becky should be the one celebrated for her truly heroic feats of strengths to birth Dominic, we’ll focus on the traditional celebrating of the one who was born instead.

Normally on this day each year I take time to pull up pics from throughout the past year and let them do most of the talking.  With being out in the middle of Shenandoah National Park without consistent cell coverage that’s not an option so I’ll improvise a bit.

What I’m most grateful for in Dominic is his undying positivity, his passion for helping others, his ability to lead through example, his gigantic dreams, and his love of nature.  

Dominic is almost always in a positive mood, seeing the bright side in seemingly every difficult situation.  He reminds me to pause and take a deep breath, to roll with whatever challenges may arise, and to always keep his chin up.  He always finds a way to be successful, especially when he isn’t.  Nothing can beat him and his optimism down.

He is always watching out for ways to help others – directly, indirectly, and through any support needed.  He has a servant’s heart and is always looking for ways to include the un-included.  Even when others disagree with him he looks to find ways to help bring them joy.  Ever since he was a young kid he’s been determined to help be a positive influence for others.

Dominic is very much a natural leader (though he works very diligently at it with regularity even when he doesn’t know it).  People look to him when things go sideways, he can find a plan, he stays positive, and is quick to dive in and do whatever it takes, leading by example.  There are several times  specifically in which he taught me to be a better leader and set the example I should live into (a contentious town hall meeting is one of the clearest memories).  People follow his integrity.

I don’t know many people with a dream list as robust as his, nor anyone else who is as likely to check as many of them off as he will in his lifetime.  There are no limits to his dreams, they keep growing as they have since he was young, and they will keep leading him down the right path.  He’s often inspired others to dream big, myself included!  As a result of his dreams he’s made some epic trips, knocked out some crazy hikes, and has a ton of other dreams ahead of him.  

I’d also be remiss to not mention how grateful I am for his love of the outdoors, of nature, and of all the beautiful and simple things which lay right outside our homes.  He’s a fan of getting outside, appreciates seeing the spectacular beauty in something as simple as a sunset, as dazzling as the Northern Lights, and as awesome as the mountains.  That passion for the outdoors brings so much joy to him that he can’t help but exude to others.  

There are so many reasons I am grateful for Dominic – his friendship, his humor, and so many others that it becomes difficult to focus this blog.  That said, what I appreciate the most of everything about Dominic is that he motivates and inspires me to live into a better version of myself.  How amazing is it to have a son who reminds you to be the man you are called to be?

Love you Bud!!!

Presence:

The sensation of sitting by a campfire with no goal, no tasks, no distractions.  Quietly watching the flames dance.  Letting the mind empty, becoming lost in the complete lack of pattern of the fire.  Soaking in the smells of the different types of wood burning.  Enjoying the feel of the heat on my bare legs and feet, having to back up to avoid being burned, and then slowing working my way back closer.  The letting go of stress, of emotion, of thought, of worry.  Existing with the flame.

Thanks!!!

Thankful for Remembering to Pause to Enjoy the Sunset

Day 3,970

Last week I had the privilege of joining the teacher’s meeting at Root Down Yoga. As we dove into a conversation about being present a teacher commented on something as simple as a sunset. “How many more of those will we have the opportunity to see in our lives?”

When one pauses to think about it, how many sunsets do we have left? Why don’t we slow down to soak up one of life’s beautiful moments more often?

Back when I was a kid I think my grandpa really understood the finite nature of life more so than most. When we would hang out with my grandparents for more than a week each summer he’d always seem to pause to watch the sunset.

One in particular I remember so vividly – a little for the jaw dropping sunset, but so much more from watching my grandfather’s awe and reverence for the setting sun. As he looked to it wistfully and watched it slowly melt into the horizon his face shown with gratitude, awe, and something else that I can only look back with my life experience to call “acceptance.” It was like he was seeing a much deeper and more insightful version of the same natural phenomena.

This evening after yoga I saw that my timing was just about right to run home, pick up Becky, and take in the sunset. Snapping pics, pausing to savor the view of an exemplary edition of the setting sun over the Mississippi River Valley.

Seeing that it is something be in awe of, the sheer beauty of the natural world.

Taking in the fact that to everything there is a cycle, a progression.

Understanding the impermanence of all things, the beauty created specifically from that fact.

Savoring a moment of breath, of presence.

Appreciating existence.

Thanks!!!

Thankful for What’s Truly Important, a Life Lesson Remembered, & a Kitchen Cacophony

Day 3,955

Growth:

This song at church really hit home this morning:

“Where your treasure it, there your heart shall be. All that you possess will never set you free. Seek the things that last, come and learn from me. Where your treasure is, your heart shall be. “

Words to remember and live by, no question! What’s actually important, how do we hold on to that?

Interesting side note, this was the first time I’ve been greeting when there were three other people who all asked if they could keep their copy of the copied music aids. Their smiles were priceless when I winked and told them, “I sure hope so,” and then showed them the one I’d already folded and tucked into pocket. Seems to be a message many of us need to hear a little more often – myself very much included.

Appreciation:

Today I was reminded of a lesson learned so many times over. Pretty sure we all hear it at one time or another, heeding it seems to become increasingly difficult as we mature and develop a stronger sense of “fairness.” For some reason our thoughts.. maybe I shouldn’t other-ize this section, I really need to take more ownership of this. For some reason MY thoughts often go towards the wrong path… it’s not MY fault. Why should I fix the mess someone else made? So much easier for me to pretend to ignore the wrong, but that doesn’t fix anything.

The lesson? It doesn’t matter who’s fault or why something happened, just fix it. Don’t walk by the garbage and complain about the person who dropped it on the ground, just shut up and fix the problem. When there is wrong, make it right.

How many times in life have I walked away from the wrong of someone else? How often have I walked over the trash? Looked past the issue? Ignored someone being wronged? How much better would life be if I’d just taken the right action? How much of a positive ripple would have been made? Instead, though it wasn’t initially my issue, have I become complicit in the crime, an accomplice of sorts as I could have just fixed it rather than let it continue?

To be clear – I’m sure many others through time have had to either fix or ignore the results of my wrongs hundreds of thousands of times, but that’s a different lesson for a different time. Today is the focus on me fixing whatever challenge there may be.

As a result of those moments I’m seeing right action more clear and will work to do the right thing right away. To those who created something I actually chose to tend to today – thank you. Please don’t do it again 😉 but thank you for the opportunity to learn and grow so I can do better moving forward.

Presence:

A moment of total pandemonium in our typically quiet house. Becky and I were working on finalizing details for a short campervan trip and all of a sudden it was like the Tazmanian Devil rolled into our kitchen. Dominic, Gavin, Caitlyn, and a couple of their friends all poured into the kitchen in a feeding frenzy and when to town on the leftovers in the fridge. Total pandemonium! Laughs, burps, jokes, clinking of dishware, all the nonstop noise was quite delightful! I had to pause for a moment as I was trying to focus on one detail while the noise came up, but I was quickly reminded that these are the sounds of a happy home full of love. That stopped my frustration in its tracks and changed the tune quickly to appreciation.

Thanks!!!

Thankful for Mile Markers, Mornings with Becky, & Yoga Presence

Day 3,949

Growth:

As I’ve been working more and more on my next project I’m realizing just how important measurement without judgement can be. If I decide that in order to get more healthy I should count my calories every day there are a few ways it could turn out:

  • Out of fear of what I might learn I just don’t count them. If I don’t count them, they don’t happen.
  • I count every calorie and then shame myself incessantly for not being able to control myself, likely causing me to stress eat even more and spiral down into oblivion.
  • I count every calorie without judgment or shame, I review the data as a scientist and realize what I’m eating. Slowly but surely I’ll start to find ways to make small increases, maybe just 1% better each week, slowly improving my health without realizing I’m really doing it.

The phrase that I see this concept as is:

A mile marker tells you where you are, it does not tell you what you’re worth.

Mike Kreiling

Appreciation:

My morning run with Becky was the best possible way to kick off the week! She’s always in a great mood and ready to go while I slowly get out of bed and stumble around as I take my time waking up. By the time we’re out the door she’s bright eyed and bushy tailed, smiling away, talking about the day, asking me how I’m doing… and I’m groggily wondering if I can run while I’m still half asleep.

True to normal form she was up and ready right off the bat this morning! Her energy and conversation woke me up and got me going. We shot the bull, talked through different ideas, emotions, challenges, and upcoming trips while the rest of the world around us slept. The run itself was mediocre at best (the air quality was a bit rough), but the time together was very invigorating and energizing. As luck would have it we also got back to the house shortly before it started raining, always nice to be on that side of fate!

What really stood out to me today was how much better my life is with Becky in it. This morning’s run was another encapsulation of how much I appreciate our shared passion for many similar things, the way we help balance each other out, and the way we can each do the majority of things we enjoy doing most – together – as we have so many common interests.

Because of Becky I got out of bed and got moving early in the morning. Because of Becky my morning started off with a run and activity – all leading to smiles and higher energy throughout the day. Because of Becky I was a better version of me today.

Presence:

Yoga, yoga, yoga. This evening’s session started off brutal! I had a cramp in my foot in child’s pose, my mind was racing, my breath was garbage, my muscles felt weak, and I kept thinking about how awful I felt. As the moments and poses and breaths went on my mind slowly shut itself down. The incessant self talk quieted to hushed whispers before slipping completely away. All that existed was breath, motion, sweat, and the wall in front of me (yup, I’m an odd one, I prefer being in the front row so all I have in front of my is a blank and completely undecorated wall). My waking mind was lulled into submission by the motion and the breathing. As that happened my soul was awakened, I was fully present, and I had no thought, only sensations and existing.

The magic of yoga is the ability to calmly and quietly rip us from our noisy self inflicted reality into the peaceful chill of the here and now. Tonight that was exactly what the doctor ordered!

Thanks!!!

Thankful for Dreams Taking Shape

Day 3,945

Whew – reality testing dreams, pretty wild when they truly start to form from the aether, slowly taking shape, starting to become something tangible. The moment in which they slip from concept to a working prototype, something that can actually be experienced rather than only imagined.

Today I had a couple of those moments, two very different, yet oddly symmetrical, dreams starting to transition from a mental concept to a tangible something to share. In both cases the sharing of the concept went better than expected, great feedback, a quick understanding of what it was and why it fills a gap that is present. One conversation specifically went down a very interesting path prior to sharing the idea, once that had concluded it folded perfectly and accidentally right into proving the effectiveness and “why” behind the dream itself!

So much more work ahead on both. One will take center stage shortly as I build up a critical mass towards it over the next few months, the other as a side project which appear when it’s ready – yet will continue to grow through the first project’s progress as well as through more experience of my professional life through that lens. These two fit so well together and have helped each other grow throughout their progression.

Very exciting day today, one that makes me want to put more focus into both, but I am also well aware of the season of life I am in, the work I need to do to pay for life as I grow towards these other two dreams. As the tedium and stress of the day job ebbs and flows I’ve got these two dreams continuing to build, allowing me to see ways to turn my current experiences into more than an income or a career, but an additional fuel that helps me narrow the considerable gap between who I am today and who I am called to be.

Thanks!!!

Thankful for a Trifecta of Goals

Day 3,943

Throughout the day I’ve adjusted and gone in several unexpected directions. Some curveballs, largely the good kind, but the types of adjustments that send us off in slightly different directions than what were initially intended for the day.

As I’m wrapping up a nice long chunk of creative time on my “side quest,” I’m reminded of the importance of setting goals for myself.

Thanks to the dream list I update at least annually I have a larger scale focus on what I would like to do, see, accomplish, give, and experience in the life I have remaining. These long term goals (many of which are completely unrealistic) help show me a path towards something larger than I would normally drift towards.

Thanks to the annual goal setting I do I have a short list of three specific goals I would like to accomplish. While I’d like to focus on all of them all the time, I’m reminded that there is usually one large focus and maybe one minor focus. They have to take turns depending on the different seasons of life. Regardless, these three annual goals give me a very pointed and direct focus towards a goal I am certain I am capable of accomplishing – should I put the appropriate energy and focus to it. These goals, reviewed daily, help me fight against the momentum of what life typically throws at me. They help me fight upstream.

Thanks to the daily intentions I set for myself I start my morning with a focus on one to three very specific minor yet impactful tasks I can accomplish that day to put me one small step closer to the larger annual goal. One small step at a time is so much easier than shutting down all of life for a month to get one specific things done. The compounding impact of a few small yet strategically important tasks is truly powerful!

That’s what helped me keep the focus today. All three of these worked together to allow me room to adjust and maneuver while still offering enough space to complete what needed to get done. While I adjusted my action I knew there was a map to get me back on the right trail afterwards.

Quick side note: If you’d like a little sneak peek into my “side quest,” just shoot me a note or drop a comment and I’ll be happy to get you more info.

Thanks!!!

Thankful for Family Roots

Day 3,942

As time keeps flying by and Gavin’s college dorm move in date seems to sprint towards us more quickly than expected I am more and more grateful for the bonus moments we are able to sneak in. Today’s version was him riding to and from work with me as he did a bunch of yard work for our office building. Over lunch we hung out and shot the bull too, nice pockets of bonus time.

When the end of a season approaches it becomes so much easier to recognize the impermanence of all things. We can see the end of the season coming, each day as it gets closer those moments become more and more precious.

How much more fulfilling would our lives be if we realized earlier on that each day before it has the same opportunity, the same amount of time? When the end seems so distant it is so easy to lose sight of how precious each moment is. Shouldn’t we have that same mindset for each moment of our lives? Why must it take an impending (or abrupt) end to get us to pause and appreciate the time we have? Seems like we would all live much more fulfilling lives!

On the flip side, our relationship with Dominic also reminds me that while the season may change, it really is only a change, a shift. In some ways our relationship with Dominic has improved with the space between us while he’s in college. We talk regularly, our conversations often go deeper in some ways than they used to, and the time we all have together is made all the more precious moving forward as we understand that we only have a limited amount of time together. After the shift of him going off to college we’ve experienced the change itself as well as have had the understanding that we need to appreciate each moment all the more!

My heart is already starting to feel a bit of the loss of Gavin when he moves out soon, but I’m also very excited for the change in our relationship and the ways our friendship will shift. It won’t be what we’ve grown used to, but thanks to the roots of love and friendship we’ve cultivated in him and he in us I know we’ll somehow become closer than ever as a result. Thank you again to Dominic for helping me see that firsthand.

Here’s to the roots, the grounding of love in a family which will continue to grow throughout the generations and time.

Thanks!!!

Thankful for Another Question, Floating It Out There, & Our Running Ritual

Day 3,939

Growth:

Another question has been in my brain since a few nights ago when I was working on my project. It has been pushing me to look at the year from a different perspective, a view inspired by Ed Tom, the sheriff from the book No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy.

It is a question that forces humility, that offers opportunity to see what we’ve misjudged, underestimated, or didn’t expect to face. In viewing it we are able to see a better route forward in the year ahead, to better prepare ourselves for what we may face.

Where did I encounter something this year that I was not fully equal to?

Appreciation:

The Universe is so ready to help us out to grow and expand. The more we float ideas and dreams out, the more often there are opportunities provided for us to take action. For sure, just wanting something doesn’t make it so, but I’m amazed at how often there is magic to be found after opening ourselves up, being humble and asking others for help or sharing our dream with them. In so many ways it’s almost as if we speak the magic into existence, it is only up to us to listen and take the appropriate action.

Today I took another step on my project (not quite ready to share it this openly yet) and it provided several new insights and ideas that really helped me see where this could continue to grow! So much more work to be done, but opening up helped me see a more clear path forward.

Presence:

Our morning run was amazing! I know, I use something form our morning run often, but I’m realizing more and more how sacred that ritual is to me. The time alone with Becky (and Leia). Physical activity to get my blood pumping. Quiet in the woods in the pre-dawn hour. Knowing that I started the day on my terms. Keeping my health the top of mind.

All those reasons and so many other little ones, the reason that time running is worth every ounce of energy and time many times over.

Thanks!!!

Thankful for Remembering the Give and Take, Remembering Appreciation, & a Moment of Calm

Day 3,927

Growth:

Many days this task is to help focus my brain on what’s been most meaningful throughout the day. The appreciation I have for certain actions, people, things, happenings, and whatnot. Remember that this can also go in the reverse, helping to frame the frustration and stress of the day into a reason to be thankful. This blog is not for the result in of itself, rather, it is a tool to help me work to close the gap between where I am and where I am meant to grow. Reflection, direction, action, motivation – a tool to be used as needed based on the day.

Appreciation:

Interesting day for a handful of reasons – starting off with a super tight and sore back to a stressful work day to a transition from a difficult conversation to a productive one. Once home it was a dinner with Becky, slow stretching to get my back moving, a call with my brother to joke and laugh, and then some quiet time to blog as I heat my back.

The overall “joy” score of my day was very meh to be sure (likely a -1) and I really struggled to find a reason to blog tonight. There were so many moments to be grateful for individually, but the overall feel of the day was a bummer all around. By leveraging this habit of blogging every single day of why I’m grateful I was able to get my brain turned back around to the positives and to remember to focus more energy there. For sure, the day was still a bummer, but one I can struggle through as I know there are always things I can learn from these types of days, so long as I remember to be grateful for them.

Today that meant being grateful for the acts of kindness, for the opportunity to help others, for the time with Becky and the meal she made, for the time with my brother as we laughed. For the time I spent texting family for various reasons as we all laughed. For this moment of quiet respite to gather my thoughts and choose the better attitude… I am grateful.

Presence:

Taking a quiet moment to myself to get all the junk out of my head. Pressing the pause button on the stress, opening my mind to see the bigger picture. Enjoying the view of the leaves dancing in the wind outside the window, watching the ground squirrel scampering through the park across the street. Allowing my mind to clear. Calm.

Thanks!!