Day 4,014

Growth:

“And it’s true,” thought Valentine.  “I’m not the same person, really, from book to book, because each world changes who I am, even as I write down the story of the world.  And this world most of all.” 

Orson Scott Card, Speaker for the Dead

As I read Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card for the seventh time this quote has resonated in my brain.

Each reading of this story adds depth, each reading uncovers previously missed concepts and connections. While the book remains the same, I continue to change, I see the path differently each time. Each reading shifts who I am a little.

Appreciation:

I’m typing this from bed, ready to crash and start all over again long before sunrise. I am exhausted.

The entire day has been spent adulting. Working, driving, and all the other “ings” related to being an adult. I’ve had about ten minutes of downtime except for my meals and a FaceTime with Becky.

I am exhausted, but also very fulfilled. I lived into purpose today. I busted my ass today. I got shit done today. I left it all on the field today.

That feeling of exhaustion after hitting it this hard is fantastic!

Presence:

My ride to work this morning was loaded with a playlist of some of my favorite music. The songs were not a collection of relentlessly optimistic and cheerful music, quite the opposite. There was frustration, longing, regret, time passing, heart ache, looking backwards, trying to figure out what really matters.

And somehow, I felt incredibly happy. Not happy in spite of the songs, but, in a strange way, because of them.

Driving along this morning, I realized I wasn’t listening to sadness and becoming sad. I was simply noticing how much there is to feel in a life. Love can hurt. People and moments pass. Roads take us away from places we once belonged. We carry scars from things that mattered. And that’s okay.

At one point I laughed at myself because my shuffle apparently decided that subtle emotional damage was the breakfast special. But underneath all of it was this surprising current of joy.

I’m here. Driving to work. Watching the morning pass outside the windshield. Listening to songs that remind me of all the beautiful, complicated, ridiculous things that come with being alive.

Maybe presence isn’t always about quieting everything down. Sometimes it’s turning the music up and realizing that sadness, joy, nostalgia, hope, heartbreak and gratitude can all ride in the same car.

Life is life. And this morning, I was really happy to be here for it.

Thanks!!!