A day like today is one that I am always thankful to have. Today I’ve had so many incredible things to be grateful for that my head takes a very long while to sift through in search of what I should write about. To be honest, I struggled with almost adding a second topic, but I have a feeling that it may come back in the next couple of days.
As I really dug deep and spent time in thought there’s something that I am most thankful for today. When it comes to my relationship with my dad, I have no regrets. At the end of the day, he knows how much I love him, how much I respect him, how much I admire him, how much I’ve learned from him, and how much of who I am is directly because of him. I know that he loves me dearly and is proud of me. Of course I’d like to keep building on this over many years to come with him and add more examples of this, but if today was the last for either of us, there would be no regrets.
When I’ve talked with him today all of the conversation was on making sure he knows that he needs to fight, on reading all of the prayers and thoughts from others, remembering some great memories, giving him a hard time, and just enjoying holding his hand. I’m not tortured with guilt or burdened with wrongs that I wish I could right. There’s not something burning that I wish I would have said to him that I need to worry about him never hearing. There’s no wasted energy, only love.
This is where I’d love to say that I’m proud of myself for this, I worked hard to make this happen, and it is because of me that this is the case, but that would all be a lie. Dad is the one that laid these tracks in our relationship. He’s the one that insisted on always saying “I love you” when he and I were on the phone together. He’s the one that reminded me of the temporary nature of life, how easily it can be taken away, and why it’s so important to say all that needs to be said. After his dad was taken away so suddenly it seems like he wanted to make sure everything would be okay for Nick and I should something happen to him. He worked hard to build a friendship AND be a dad, an incredibly tough balancing act.
We used to talk about it, saying we both would have no regrets should the worse case happen, but up until now that was all hypothetical. As we’re facing a very challenging time his foundation is being tested, and it is holding. He and I don’t have to waste any energy on “what if’s”, I wish I would’ve told you’s”, or anything like that. I know that he loves me and is proud of me. He knows that I love him and I am proud of him. Should tonight be the last for either of us we will have no regrets. Because we have no regrets we can enjoy the time we have, share our love for each other, and smile regardless of the situation.
Dad, thank you for helping me feel this way with you. It spills into my other relationships, and it is the same way I am working on building the foundation with my boys. I love you Dad, please heal up soon… Not so we can clear the air or right wrongs, but so we can have more fun and make more memories together.