Over the past 48 hours or so I’ve started doing something that I used to do every few days, but in a very different way. I’ve been talking with Dad. He hasn’t directly answered or talked back or anything, but I just have this gut feel that he’s hearing me and often times smiling or laughing from up above.
When my grandpa passed away almost 30 years ago my dad told me that he was going for a walk in the woods to spend some time with Grandpa and talk with him. As a kid this sounded all types of weird, but in this gut feeling kind of way it seemed right. He seemed to feel better afterwards and somehow I remembered that.
With Dad’s passing I’ve had a lot of time alone, most of it driving. After taking a deep breath I started talking with Dad. It felt really awkward on Monday night, driving home a few hours after he had taken his last breath. I wasn’t quite sure what to say and I kind of struggled. Then it started flowing a little bit, but then there was a torrent of emotions that tore through me. Finally, after the “feels” were past I started to talk with him as normal.
Yesterday morning it just felt right to talk with him while I drove up north. The radio was off, no one was calling, and it was just my voice talking to him. It felt natural. I shared how things were going with the boys, how proud he would be of their understanding of his soul leaving last weekend (our very tough conversation with the boys on Saturday) as compared to his body finally stopping on Monday (“Dad, I’m not sad because that was just his body, an empty shell… The important part of him was already gone.”). I shared how much I appreciated the way Becky was taking care of me. We talked about how cool it was for him to be back with his family. It seemed right on a very deep level.
As I headed north into Thorpe there was a sign that said “BUMP” and I thought nothing of it and hit it going about 60. Much to my surprise it was much deeper and sharper than expected and it jarred both me and the car. I just started laughing, and without thinking for a second I looked towards the passenger seat and said, “Dad? Seriously? We’ve got to talk about this guardian angle stuff… You really suck at it!” I’m sure it was just in my head, but I know I heard him laughing and could see him in a full body laugh sitting next to me. I laughed and just enjoyed the moment.
Further up the road I had this slight feeling to slow as I crested a hill so I touched the brake. As I got to the top of the hill a deer slowly crossed in front of me. “That was much better Dad! Thanks for having my back like that!” Again I could hear the laughter of my dad.
When I got home later last night Dominic was still awake so I asked him what was wrong. He told me he was super sad about not being able to see Grandpa one last time. We talked about memories of him, thinking of the happy stuff, but I just couldn’t quite help him feel better. Feeling a slight spiritual tap on the shoulder and had an idea. “Hey Bud, I started feeling a lot better when I started talking with Grandpa Pete. Have you tried that yet? It feels weird at first but it’s helped me a lot.” I then told Dominic the story of the bump and the deer. He smiled and went to bed.
About thirty minutes later he came back upstairs. “Thanks Dad,” said Dominic. When I asked why he was thankful he responded with, “I talked with Grandpa like you suggested and it really helped.” He smiled. I smiled. We hugged, and he went to bed.
Dad, I know that you’re not here physically, but thanks for always being close to me and ready to listen. I’d really like to hear your voice and feedback, but knowing that you’re at least hearing me makes me feel much better. Love you Dad!