Day 199 – Thankful for the Rawness of Being Tired

Day199 – Thankful for the Rawness of Being Tired

When I get blisters I sometimes make the mistake of cutting the dead skin off, exposing the fresh new skin. The reddish new skin is incredibly sensitive and feels everything at a different level than the old skin did. The nerves are closer to the surface, the skin hasn’t toughened and is raw, everything is more receptive than it was before. For some crazy reason when this happens I can’t help but poke and prod the rawness more and more to understand the sensations more completely. Eventually it toughens up and goes back to normal.

Through life, and especially during endurance running, I’ve noticed that when I get run town and tired I get a similar sensation, but more mentally and emotionally than physically. When I push myself to exhaustion, whether it’s work, life, adult-ing, running or doing yoga, everything gets more sensitive, everything seems a little more raw. Everything seems a little different, takes on a different tone, and the relative seriousness of things varies greatly. The closest feeling to it that comes to mind is the feeling of the raw skin after a blister… There’s a rawness to life that I feel when I’m tired.

The past week has been a busy one, between work and the start of soccer season it has been a consistent dose of craziness one night after another, rinse, repeat. I haven’t slept the greatest, feel myself fighting off a little bit of a cold, and I’m tired. Sleeping in tomorrow is going to feel glorious! 

All that said, I’m especially thankful for the rawness of being tired today. Becky, the boys, and I went to Good Friday service at our church. Over the past few years Easter has been hitting home more and more, the importance of it is sinking in more than ever. Combine that growing awareness of this most important of holy days and the rawness of being tired and it felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks, in a very good way. Several times during mass I was moved almost to tears. From seeing the passion as one of the masses, thinking of Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane the night before, seeing how Pilate could have made a decision to save His life (not that it would have been right, but just seeing the perceived helplessness is pretty deep when you think of it and is the cause of many issues in society), taking in the importance of the moment of His death, kneeling and touching the cross, and seeing my boys do the same, each moment packed a punch and had a different feel. It just felt differently than in the past, and I seemed to “get it” more than in the past. The rawness of being tired certainly played at least a small role in that sensation. 

While I continue to reflect on the entire story more I’m sure I’ll continue to “get it” more and more, but that raw feeling certainly helped push it all in a different way than in the past, and I’m thankful for that awareness. To think, I briefly considered taking a nap instead of going with the family… What a waste that would have been. There’s a quote that I can’t quite remember or put my finger on, but it is something along the lines of: “Beyond the point of exhaustion is where we see the world for what it truly it is and who we really are.” I’m certainly not exhausted, but the edge and rawness of being tired has helped me learn more about the world and myself today, and for that I am thankful.Thanks!!!

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