Day 2,858

There is much to write and so much to share about our years with LuLu, but those will wait until another day. Tonight my heart hurts due to the loss of LuLu while at the same time feeling so full of joy for all the moments I shared with her. More to follow over next day or so as I am able to process and work through my emotions.

She may be gone, but moments like the picture above from earlier today will stay in my heart forever.

Thanks!!!

Day 2,857

Growth:

I happened upon this absolute gem this evening. What a wonderful way to view life as a whole, a collection of hours and moments.

One never meets just Cancer, or War, or Unhappiness (or Happiness). One only meets each hour or moment that comes. All manner of ups and downs. Many bad spots in our best times, many good ones in our worst. One never gets the total impact of what we call “the thing itself.” But we call it wrongly. The thing itself is simply all these ups be downs: the rest is a name or idea.

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Appreciation:

Life seems to know what we need before we do on a more regular basis than I care to admit. It appears that The Big Dude Upstairs either wants to test whether I am listening or to make sure I get the message that I would have otherwise forgotten on my own. Thanks for being patient with me and making sure I’m hearing the message.

Over the past 36 hours I’ve had three people from three very different parts of my life say some beautiful things about my book in random interactions. This after it’s been a couple of months since receiving a random compliment like this – pretty wild! Message heard, loud and clear.

To everyone who helped over the past 36 hours or so, thank you for the inspiration!!!

Presence:

Moments of grief both caused by and consoled by love. The hurt is real and now, the love is true and forever. Many such moments tonight alone with LuLu and while together with family. The love overpowers the hurt. Bright spots during difficult times.

Thanks!!!

Day 2,856

Growth:

Change is inevitable. If we are fortunate to live long enough our lives are filled with seasons. We’re constantly moving from one season to the next and so on until we reach our end. As we move from each there’s bound to be some we enjoy more than others just as there are some we’d rather speed through as quickly as possible. Inside each season we have a gift, we have the choice to make of how we will view and respond to the season.

Regardless of what it throws at us will we find a way to grow through it, a reason to appreciate it, and a the strength to be present in it? That choice is ours to make and ours alone. We can do these three things through each regardless of how difficult the season may be.

Seasons will change. the ones we desire will never last as long as we’d like and the ones we would prefer to skip are still going to happen. We cannot change the continual changing of life, but we can choose how we respond to it.

Appreciation:

Over the past weekend we’ve spent so much time together as a family and it has been truly priceless. In the near future we head out on a family vacation to have another ten days of doing the same. What a wonderful way to prepare us for the next changing of seasons.

Throughout the past two weeks the weight of the changing seasons has been felt more intensely than I’d ever imagined it would. While I would prefer to keep everything just as it is right now I’m finding reasons to be thankful throughout. Three really jump out at me when I pause to reflect:

First off, we’ve spent so much time together as a family and in a deeper state of presence with each other than we have this intensely for quite some time. What a gift this has been to transition on such a high note and filled with so many memories!

Next, my emotions have been off the chart lately – for better and worse. I find myself being okay with being moved to tears at the loss of LuLu and Dominic leaving, but I’m also finding so much joy in knowing how fortunate we were to have so much time with LuLu and with Dominic. I’m so proud of the man Dominic has grown into and am looking forward to all of his upcoming adventures in life. There are also so many moments of deep satisfaction in pausing to look back at all we’ve been through as a family.

Last, I’m so thankful for my family helping me get through these changing seasons together. It feels as if we’ve grown closer and closer over the past couple of weeks which I wouldn’t have thought possible. Our family has become stronger specifically because of the changes we are all going through together. What a gift!!!

Yes, I am sad about life changing. Yes, I would like to keep everything exactly as it is for a while. But I can’t, nor would it be right if I could. Life changes, seasons pass. I must remember to stay focused on minding the GAP, choosing Growth, Appreciation, and Presence. That choice will fill my heart with joy throughout whatever closes and whatever happens next.

Presence:

Two moments of presence were very near and dear to me today.

This morning at the crossroads of two seasons changing at once I was rubbing LuLu’s belly with Gavin on the beach while watching Becky and Dominic play in the water. LuLu will be passing away within the next few days and Dominic will be moving out in exactly four weeks. This was most likely the final time the five of us would be on our pontoon at the same time (and we’re likely selling the pontoon within the next year). Spending a moment focused on both in the final throws of each of their seasons filled me with joy and brought back so many excellent memories.

At yoga tonight there was a special treat. One of the instructors brothers is in a small two person band who played music while we did our yoga practice. At the end of the session we were in final rest when they went into a song that rocked me to the core. The soul piercing vocals moved me to tears under the towel I had over my eyes. I can’t even begin to share just how beautiful the song was as it seemed to touch on all the exposed nerves from the changing of the seasons in my life. I will never forget that moment in all of its joy and emotion all rolled together. What a perfect way to help my brain come to grips with the changing of seasons in my life.

Thanks!!!

Day 2,855

Growth:

Yesterday I shared the question that got me thinking… “How do I measure success?” Today I am still unclear as to the exact answer, but I can say that today was a successful day for so many reasons.

Time spent with family. Time with laughter. Time in thought. Time with tears. Time spent relaxing. Time spent in reflection. Time lived towards purpose.

Case in point, Gavin and I had a wonderful conversation on the topic of death. As LuLu slows down more and more rapidly we are all having to come to grips with losing her. This has been an opportunity for us to talk about how each day our precious life is one day closer to coming to an end, it is a finite resource that we must pause to be thankful for. Each moment is a gift, let’s live it to its fullest rather than let it slip away as it will if we don’t remember that our gas tanks are slowly draining and cannot be filled back up. Death sucks, but we can use it to live so much more fully if we choose to see it as a source of growth.

That and so many other moments left today feeling like a success. How do I measure success? I’m still not sure, but if each day is lived as fully as today’s I’ll feel pretty successful.

Appreciation:

Today was full to the brim with family time! Dominic moves out in less than a month and more than two and a half of those weeks will be spent with him away from home. That doesn’t leave much family time left for our house as we are used to and we wanted to maximize it.

This morning we went out for a nice early morning hike together followed by a trip to a downtown bakery. After showering up we played games, ate lunch, and played more games as a family until Dominic had to leave for work. We then surprised him by heading to the restaurant he works at or dinner and got to spent a little time with him while he was in action (which was awesome to observe). Chill as a family, spend more time together, and call it a night when the boys left to hang out with buddies after 9:30.

From start to finish it was family time. Tomorrow promises to be more of the same as we head to church and then out on the water for one last boat ride for LuLu.

As mentioned above, life is short, it is a gift. Between Dominic moving and LuLu’s health that message has been amplified. Knowing that change is the only given in life isn’t reason for sadness, rather it is a reminder to appreciate life and drink in each moment we are blessed to receive.

Presence:

On our ride to the restaurant Becky, Gavin, and I all had a shared moment of emotion as we talked about LuLu. The hurt was real, the moment sharing emotion with each other was exactly what a family does for each other. Love can help us all through difficult times.

Thanks!!!

Day 2,854

Growth:

“How do you measure your success?”

What an excellent question to help clarify where our time, energy, and focus should be! My mind is still going back and forth wrestling with the answer to that one. Definitely one to remember and go back to often.

Appreciation:

Talking with Dominic while we do dishes before he goes to work. Snuggling with LuLu in the sun on the deck. Talking with Becky before and during supper. Talking with Gavin while watching Messi kick the game winner in his first MLS match. One on one with with my family, what a perfect evening!

Presence:

Snuggling on the deck with LuLu and getting smiles like this? Yes please!

Thanks!

Day 2,853

Growth:

Listen intently, think clearly, and speak intentionally. Such better results than listening to respond and speaking without consideration.

Unfortunately I was on both sides of the equation today, but fortunately I was able to learn from my mistakes and successes.

Appreciation:

Funny how different people know us in different ways and view us through different lenses. Spending time with one group leads to one set of memories and experiences while time with another leads in a completely different direction. This evening it was fun spending time in a slightly different light. So many memories and so many new perspectives based on recent experiences blending with those memories.

Presence:

The sunset over the lake this evening was breathtaking. While I was largely engaged in conversation there were a handful of moments in which I withdrew from the discussion and soaked in the spectacular sky painted with clouds.

Thanks!!!

Day 2,852

Growth:

So much of how a run feels comes down to attitude. Talk myself into it, tell myself I’m feeling especially loose, and don’t let my pace drop. Glad I chose to have a great run!

Appreciation:

Pretty solid day all around today! Great run, got to spend time with Becky. Had breakfast and made eggs for LuLu before driving Gavin to wrestling on my way to work. Productive work day, knocked out my task list, got good news, had some interesting ideas, and everything seems to be progressing well. Nice conversation with Mom on the way home. Dinner on the deck with Becky and then snuggle with LuLu. Pick up Gavin from soccer, watch some soccer with him, and hang out with Dominic when he gets home from reffing. Now blog and bed. Nice, fulfilling day!

Presence:

I may love the sounds of nature, but I’m order to get myself in the zone I need some loud music thumping. This afternoon Eminem helped take my brain where it needed to go for a specific project. Throw in standing and jamming on a balance board while I worked and it was pretty sweet!

Thanks!!!

Day 2,851

Growth:

Questions always lead to better places than answers. Conversations are so much more fun when I ask more questions to learn more rather than when I talk to be heard. My natural tendency is still to talk, I need to keep working on leading with questions rather than talking. There were a few examples of each today, excellent reminders for Future Mike!

Appreciation:

I’ve written about this over and over again, but I am so appreciative for all the outside time I create in my life. This morning I really didn’t want to get out of bed at 4:15am, but I knew I wanted to get outside. I was on the trail and hiking by 4:45am and had about as awesome start to the day as one could ask for. The weather was an almost perfect 58f, it was dark in the woods but just starting to lighten in the sky, and the birds started singing within about five minutes of delving into the forest. Everything was so quiet and still, I was awake and alive while the rest of the world slept. By the time I was out of the woods I had just enough time to get showered up and head off to Eau Claire for work for the day.

Throughout the day I kept going back to the memories created this morning, to enjoying the stillness, to the calm which can only seem to be found in nature (this is something for me to work to grow into, I should be able to find that calm by diving within myself rather than relying on an external factor like the woods). Each decision I made seemed to be guided more closely towards the right direction thanks to the calm and clarity my morning hike provided.

Presence:

Soooo many moments of presence in the woods this morning! There was the first deer I saw hidden in the darkness until my headlamp caught his eyes…

There was the sound of birds singing all around me in one spot on my way up the bluff…

…the deer who stood atop the bluff and watched as I walked to the edge of the bluff and stayed in the same spot until I walked back past her and descended…

…the view through the entire bluff with the clouds settled upon the sleeping city…

…the Disney-esque moment in which the indigo bunting flew in and sat atop a rock to make sure I saw him.

…the deer who also must have enjoyed the birdsong and let me walk past as he watched me…

…and his buddy who walked up the trail and right near me as I was taking the previous picture.

So many wonderful moments starting off my morning in a serene sense of calm. What a gift!

Thanks!!!

Day 2,850

This picture says it all. Becky got home from yoga and found LuLu and I snuggled on the deck taking a little snooze together. LuLu had her head resting in the crook of my elbow while her front paws laid atop my shoulder and chest.

That capped off quite a stretch of a perfect evening with LuLu.

Thanks!!!

Day 2,849

Growth:

Reminders of the temporary nature of life are difficult. When we are brought face to face with the impermanence of all that exists it is quite usually in a feeling of loss. My mind often initially thinks of something being taken away, but when I pause to choose my mindset I remember that I have a choice to make. While the loss of a loved one hurts, there is not a loss of the memories which have been made, the love that has been shared, or the moments spent together. In many ways it brings them all into wonderfully clear perspective of how much those moments meant and how thankful I am for the opportunity to share them with that loved one.

Appreciation:

To tie this in with the previous section I’m also very appreciative for the clarity brought to our lives when we face the impermanence of life. I know I will miss LuLu tremendously and nothing will prevent that hurt. That said, facing her fate in the near future puts so much of life into such clear perspective and helps me live life a little more fully and vividly.

We all have an expiration date, we just don’t know when it is. With the unknown date and time it seems so incredibly impossible and intangible. Death becomes a concept that is out there, but it happens to other people, certainly not ourselves or our precious loved ones. We know the specter of it lingers somewhere in the horizon, but it feels as if we’ll never actually meet if we keep the blankets over our heads or keep the lights on.

When we actually come to face death and it is truly palpable we have a unique opportunity to shift our mindset and have actual clarity and awareness of what awaits every single one of us. We’re reminded to be grateful for each moment we have, to appreciate each moment we enjoy with our loved ones, and to savor each breath which are blessed to pass through our system. Some of our deep feelings are brought up to the surface, we can feel so much so much more deeply, and can take action on these sensations in positive ways.

Over time as we distance ourselves from Death the sensation slowly fades into the background and dissipates back into the ether from which it lived before it was conjured up, reappearing when least expected and quickly reminding us of the lessons we learned when we’d last met.

Facing the impermanence of all life can either be difficult or life enriching, it is our choice to decide which it will be.

Presence:

Snuggling with LuLu on the couch this afternoon was perfect. She was smiling away as I pet her, as was I. The moments we’ve shared like this so many times over the past decade are ones I’ll always treasure. I will enjoy as many more of them as possible and savor them all the more deeply.

Thanks!!!