Day 2,860

Growth:

We have a choice to make, we can choose our mindset. Regardless of the situation we always have the ability to decide how we will respond to an event. Our initial emotional response may be very strong and difficult to choke down, but we still can make a choice.

I still miss LuLu tremendously and the the silence in our house is deafening. Yesterday I allowed myself to wallow in the hurt. Today I chose to be grateful for the time I had with her, the moments we shared. My mindset was completely different and I spent much time in thought remembering so many great moments with her. So many smiles today mixed in with the occasional sadness, but largely a more joyful day.

Appreciation:

While driving through Independence this morning the clouds opened up a little and let some rays of sun burn through the foggy dreariness. I shut off my audiobook and soaked up the sights. In short order I opted for some music instead. Without much thought I went with the first song that came to mind – Anew by Hollow Coves.

The song played and the skies continued to open until the half on the right side of the road was completely bathed in sunlight while the side on my left was grey and dark. To my right in the sun soaked rolling fields I could’ve swore I saw LuLu and Skywalker running and playing. It was amazing on so many levels, they both seemed so happy. To my left was darkness and sadness, to my right was love and joy. I looked to the right.

About two hours before LuLu passed we had her in her favorite place in the world, on the deck in our backyard. She was positioned near the stairs leading to the yard and was soaking up a little sun. At the time she looked old, tired, and a bit sad. For some reason, as if she heard something the rest of us could not her, LuLu lifted her head and looked out into the yard. She was watching something, something that I could not see, and she was watching it very intently. Her mouth slowly opened into a huge puppy grin as she kept seeming to watch something in the backyard. As LuLu’s smile grew I realized she was probably seeing her sister, Skywalker, bouncing around and getting ready for LuLu to join her soon. After a minute or so LuLu laid down and continued to smile until we finally brought her back into the house. Needless to say, I sobbed. I knew LuLu was ready to play with her sister again.

This morning I swear I saw them in the fields running, playing, and barking as they did over a decade ago when we first brought LuLu home. Skywalker was jumping, and twisting, and contorting her little body into a letter C the way she did when she was at her happiest. LuLu was chasing around with her while smiling and loving the presence of her sister. They were together in the sunlight.

That song – Anew – was so fitting on so many levels and will forever bring back a memory I have never actually had of our two pups having as much fun as ever could have playing in the sunlight. Such an incredible moment, what a wonderful way to remind me of the existence of more than life, and something I will hold dearly in my heart.

Presence:

After taking some time to soak in the moment shared above I continued to hit the Shuffle button on my phone to hear random songs I’ve downloaded. Out of the blue I caught the opening chords of Angels of the Silences by Counting Crows and I was awash in a surreal moment from my sophomore year of college.

While walking back from the coffee shop I was pretending to study at I walked past Northrop Auditorium on Wednesday, March 19, 1997. Someone was outside in the mall area and asked if I wanted to buy tickets to the Counting Crows concert that evening. The friend I was walking with had plans and I didn’t know for sure if any other friends would want to go (this was the dark ages before the proliferation of cellphones) so I got one single ticket. I continued on to my dorm, changed, and then went back to the concert.

For the only time in my entire life up until now I went to the concert all alone. Solo. Only me. I found my seat in a mass of people I did not know and immediately jumped to my feet as did everyone else when the music started. The next time I sat down was when I was back in my dorm. For a couple of hours I enjoyed an incredible concert all by myself, with no conversation, just me taking it in. There was an unexpected magic to being alone but surrounded thousands of stranger while taking in the music.

The song I mentioned earlier, Angels of the Silences, was the second song and the crowd ERUPTED in positive energy as soon as the first notes kicked off. Between that moment and the ad lib interlude of Round Here were two of the absolute highlights of the evening.

Hearing the opening chords this morning brought back amazing memories of pure presence. So glad I decided to go to that show alone!

Thanks!!!