If the world really wanted to tap into the most positive clean energy source ever they need go no further than Becky’s pre-vacation energy!!! The way she lights up before vacation like this is amongst the most inspirational events I have the opportunity to witness firsthand. The smile on Becky’s face is priceless, her happy nervous energy is infectious, and the pure joy she exudes causes me to fall in love with her all over again! Whenever I’m feeling a little down I need only remember her today and I’ll be smiling.
Appreciation:
The boys just got back from having an incredible time with Mom and stepBrad. They came home totally exhausted and smiling ear to ear! We got to hear about their adventures and all the awesome memories they made over supper and throughout the night. In talking with Mom it seems the feelings were mutual and they had an amazing time together.
Soooo thankful my family creates the opportunity to share time together like that, what a wonderful way to strengthen relationships and connect with each other. Many of my favorite childhood memories were created in a similar fashion with my grandparents, I’m beyond grateful Mom and the boys are continuing the tradition.
Presence:
Greeting everyone at church today was a nonstop smile. We got to spend so much time in brief conversations with so many friends while having the opportunity to get to know others. Each person who can’t in and smiled brought a ton of joy, such s gift to have the opportunity to greet them. Thank you to all of the wonderful parishioners who came through our doors today, you all brightened my day and kept me totally focused on the present.
LOL – excellent reminder today to be sure to prep for vacation early! With the busyness of life and work I didn’t do nearly as good of a job prepping for travel as I normally do. This led to an interesting situation this evening when Becky and I realized that we’re missing the confirmation email for one of our excursion! No worries, we’ll get it figured out, but it would have been much better to have gotten this taken care of at least a few days ago. All good, we’ll get it worked out. That said, it would have been nice to have a little less stress this evening. I’m just glad we started pulling that info tonight!
Appreciation:
There are so many scenic hiking trails near our house. Within an hour drive we can be at any one of over a dozen excellent hiking areas. There are a few that are usually a bit busy so we take the ones less traveled. Thanks to getting a move on while it was early-ish we were able to have one of the typically more busy trails to ourselves. Being almost alone on the trail was an awesome change of pace, especially on this specific trail. The woods were so quiet and peaceful, a very serene start to a weekend. Gotta love Saturday morning hikes!
Presence:
Sitting on the deck after a busy day and relaxing to the sounds of birds while the breeze cools the air as the sun slowly descends. Yup, doesn’t get much better than this moment right here!
Nothing like the pressure of an upcoming vacation to push productivity into hyper mode! Throughout the day I was able to stay focused on a task list that was longer than I wanted, but it all got done except one project that’ll wait for while I’m on the plane. Gotta love short bursts of scarcity to keep moving!
Appreciation:
The boys are up spending some time with my mom and step-Brad which left Becky and I alone for a few nights. Today we headed off to yoga after work to mentally chill before the weekend and followed it up with supper. Now we’re chilling on the couch, heading to bed early, and probably going to do some adulting tomorrow while also sneaking in a hike. Kind of nice seeing a sneak preview of life in about three years when Gavin moves off to college to. Should be able to keep ourselves busy AND not drive each other too crazy! 😉 It’s nice to have a little test run to start getting used to it.
Presence:
I’m currently working on a special project which required a very different skill set than I’m used to. It was very fine and detailed work that required my full attention. Taking the time to focus on something new, on something I wanted to do correctly, and something that was very tedious certainly drew my presence in.
We have a choice to make, we can choose our mindset. Regardless of the situation we always have the ability to decide how we will respond to an event. Our initial emotional response may be very strong and difficult to choke down, but we still can make a choice.
I still miss LuLu tremendously and the the silence in our house is deafening. Yesterday I allowed myself to wallow in the hurt. Today I chose to be grateful for the time I had with her, the moments we shared. My mindset was completely different and I spent much time in thought remembering so many great moments with her. So many smiles today mixed in with the occasional sadness, but largely a more joyful day.
Appreciation:
While driving through Independence this morning the clouds opened up a little and let some rays of sun burn through the foggy dreariness. I shut off my audiobook and soaked up the sights. In short order I opted for some music instead. Without much thought I went with the first song that came to mind – Anew by Hollow Coves.
The song played and the skies continued to open until the half on the right side of the road was completely bathed in sunlight while the side on my left was grey and dark. To my right in the sun soaked rolling fields I could’ve swore I saw LuLu and Skywalker running and playing. It was amazing on so many levels, they both seemed so happy. To my left was darkness and sadness, to my right was love and joy. I looked to the right.
About two hours before LuLu passed we had her in her favorite place in the world, on the deck in our backyard. She was positioned near the stairs leading to the yard and was soaking up a little sun. At the time she looked old, tired, and a bit sad. For some reason, as if she heard something the rest of us could not her, LuLu lifted her head and looked out into the yard. She was watching something, something that I could not see, and she was watching it very intently. Her mouth slowly opened into a huge puppy grin as she kept seeming to watch something in the backyard. As LuLu’s smile grew I realized she was probably seeing her sister, Skywalker, bouncing around and getting ready for LuLu to join her soon. After a minute or so LuLu laid down and continued to smile until we finally brought her back into the house. Needless to say, I sobbed. I knew LuLu was ready to play with her sister again.
This morning I swear I saw them in the fields running, playing, and barking as they did over a decade ago when we first brought LuLu home. Skywalker was jumping, and twisting, and contorting her little body into a letter C the way she did when she was at her happiest. LuLu was chasing around with her while smiling and loving the presence of her sister. They were together in the sunlight.
That song – Anew – was so fitting on so many levels and will forever bring back a memory I have never actually had of our two pups having as much fun as ever could have playing in the sunlight. Such an incredible moment, what a wonderful way to remind me of the existence of more than life, and something I will hold dearly in my heart.
Presence:
After taking some time to soak in the moment shared above I continued to hit the Shuffle button on my phone to hear random songs I’ve downloaded. Out of the blue I caught the opening chords of Angels of the Silences by Counting Crows and I was awash in a surreal moment from my sophomore year of college.
While walking back from the coffee shop I was pretending to study at I walked past Northrop Auditorium on Wednesday, March 19, 1997. Someone was outside in the mall area and asked if I wanted to buy tickets to the Counting Crows concert that evening. The friend I was walking with had plans and I didn’t know for sure if any other friends would want to go (this was the dark ages before the proliferation of cellphones) so I got one single ticket. I continued on to my dorm, changed, and then went back to the concert.
For the only time in my entire life up until now I went to the concert all alone. Solo. Only me. I found my seat in a mass of people I did not know and immediately jumped to my feet as did everyone else when the music started. The next time I sat down was when I was back in my dorm. For a couple of hours I enjoyed an incredible concert all by myself, with no conversation, just me taking it in. There was an unexpected magic to being alone but surrounded thousands of stranger while taking in the music.
The song I mentioned earlier, Angels of the Silences, was the second song and the crowd ERUPTED in positive energy as soon as the first notes kicked off. Between that moment and the ad lib interlude of Round Here were two of the absolute highlights of the evening.
Hearing the opening chords this morning brought back amazing memories of pure presence. So glad I decided to go to that show alone!
Grief has the power to freeze us in our tracks. After getting home tonight I just wanted to stress eat and go to sleep. Zero motivation, feeling like something is missing, and not feeling 100%. And that’s okay. I’m not beating myself up over it.
I’m working on being grateful for the time I had, but with mixed results. And that’s okay. I’m not beating myself up over it.
Tomorrow is the next chapter, the time to be vigilant in staying positive and appreciative. Tonight I’ll allow the hurt to numb and cloud. When my alarm goes off I’ll get back to where I need to be. I will give myself this grace, there will be no remorse, and I will choose joy in the morning.
Appreciation:
This morning I awoke to thunder and lightning. Rather than going for a run in it I opted to go back to sleep for a bit. Tonight I’m going to bed a bit early. Extra rest and extra sleep will help my head get back to the right space. I’m grateful for remembering to rest during a difficult time like this rather than stress or drink or mindlessly watch TV. Rest, heal, and move forward when the alarm goes off tomorrow morning.
Presence:
Waking up to a home without LuLu. Coming home to a house without LuLu. Going to bed without LuLu in her dog bed next to ours. All moments of clarity, moments filled with silence and a void rather than LuLu. Each moment cut deeply and hurt, but also was a beautiful reminder of how much of a positive impact she had on my life.
There is much to write and so much to share about our years with LuLu, but those will wait until another day. Tonight my heart hurts due to the loss of LuLu while at the same time feeling so full of joy for all the moments I shared with her. More to follow over next day or so as I am able to process and work through my emotions.
She may be gone, but moments like the picture above from earlier today will stay in my heart forever.
I happened upon this absolute gem this evening. What a wonderful way to view life as a whole, a collection of hours and moments.
One never meets just Cancer, or War, or Unhappiness (or Happiness). One only meets each hour or moment that comes. All manner of ups and downs. Many bad spots in our best times, many good ones in our worst. One never gets the total impact of what we call “the thing itself.” But we call it wrongly. The thing itself is simply all these ups be downs: the rest is a name or idea.
C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Appreciation:
Life seems to know what we need before we do on a more regular basis than I care to admit. It appears that The Big Dude Upstairs either wants to test whether I am listening or to make sure I get the message that I would have otherwise forgotten on my own. Thanks for being patient with me and making sure I’m hearing the message.
Over the past 36 hours I’ve had three people from three very different parts of my life say some beautiful things about my book in random interactions. This after it’s been a couple of months since receiving a random compliment like this – pretty wild! Message heard, loud and clear.
To everyone who helped over the past 36 hours or so, thank you for the inspiration!!!
Presence:
Moments of grief both caused by and consoled by love. The hurt is real and now, the love is true and forever. Many such moments tonight alone with LuLu and while together with family. The love overpowers the hurt. Bright spots during difficult times.
Change is inevitable. If we are fortunate to live long enough our lives are filled with seasons. We’re constantly moving from one season to the next and so on until we reach our end. As we move from each there’s bound to be some we enjoy more than others just as there are some we’d rather speed through as quickly as possible. Inside each season we have a gift, we have the choice to make of how we will view and respond to the season.
Regardless of what it throws at us will we find a way to grow through it, a reason to appreciate it, and a the strength to be present in it? That choice is ours to make and ours alone. We can do these three things through each regardless of how difficult the season may be.
Seasons will change. the ones we desire will never last as long as we’d like and the ones we would prefer to skip are still going to happen. We cannot change the continual changing of life, but we can choose how we respond to it.
Appreciation:
Over the past weekend we’ve spent so much time together as a family and it has been truly priceless. In the near future we head out on a family vacation to have another ten days of doing the same. What a wonderful way to prepare us for the next changing of seasons.
Throughout the past two weeks the weight of the changing seasons has been felt more intensely than I’d ever imagined it would. While I would prefer to keep everything just as it is right now I’m finding reasons to be thankful throughout. Three really jump out at me when I pause to reflect:
First off, we’ve spent so much time together as a family and in a deeper state of presence with each other than we have this intensely for quite some time. What a gift this has been to transition on such a high note and filled with so many memories!
Next, my emotions have been off the chart lately – for better and worse. I find myself being okay with being moved to tears at the loss of LuLu and Dominic leaving, but I’m also finding so much joy in knowing how fortunate we were to have so much time with LuLu and with Dominic. I’m so proud of the man Dominic has grown into and am looking forward to all of his upcoming adventures in life. There are also so many moments of deep satisfaction in pausing to look back at all we’ve been through as a family.
Last, I’m so thankful for my family helping me get through these changing seasons together. It feels as if we’ve grown closer and closer over the past couple of weeks which I wouldn’t have thought possible. Our family has become stronger specifically because of the changes we are all going through together. What a gift!!!
Yes, I am sad about life changing. Yes, I would like to keep everything exactly as it is for a while. But I can’t, nor would it be right if I could. Life changes, seasons pass. I must remember to stay focused on minding the GAP, choosing Growth, Appreciation, and Presence. That choice will fill my heart with joy throughout whatever closes and whatever happens next.
Presence:
Two moments of presence were very near and dear to me today.
This morning at the crossroads of two seasons changing at once I was rubbing LuLu’s belly with Gavin on the beach while watching Becky and Dominic play in the water. LuLu will be passing away within the next few days and Dominic will be moving out in exactly four weeks. This was most likely the final time the five of us would be on our pontoon at the same time (and we’re likely selling the pontoon within the next year). Spending a moment focused on both in the final throws of each of their seasons filled me with joy and brought back so many excellent memories.
At yoga tonight there was a special treat. One of the instructors brothers is in a small two person band who played music while we did our yoga practice. At the end of the session we were in final rest when they went into a song that rocked me to the core. The soul piercing vocals moved me to tears under the towel I had over my eyes. I can’t even begin to share just how beautiful the song was as it seemed to touch on all the exposed nerves from the changing of the seasons in my life. I will never forget that moment in all of its joy and emotion all rolled together. What a perfect way to help my brain come to grips with the changing of seasons in my life.
Yesterday I shared the question that got me thinking… “How do I measure success?” Today I am still unclear as to the exact answer, but I can say that today was a successful day for so many reasons.
Time spent with family. Time with laughter. Time in thought. Time with tears. Time spent relaxing. Time spent in reflection. Time lived towards purpose.
Case in point, Gavin and I had a wonderful conversation on the topic of death. As LuLu slows down more and more rapidly we are all having to come to grips with losing her. This has been an opportunity for us to talk about how each day our precious life is one day closer to coming to an end, it is a finite resource that we must pause to be thankful for. Each moment is a gift, let’s live it to its fullest rather than let it slip away as it will if we don’t remember that our gas tanks are slowly draining and cannot be filled back up. Death sucks, but we can use it to live so much more fully if we choose to see it as a source of growth.
That and so many other moments left today feeling like a success. How do I measure success? I’m still not sure, but if each day is lived as fully as today’s I’ll feel pretty successful.
Appreciation:
Today was full to the brim with family time! Dominic moves out in less than a month and more than two and a half of those weeks will be spent with him away from home. That doesn’t leave much family time left for our house as we are used to and we wanted to maximize it.
This morning we went out for a nice early morning hike together followed by a trip to a downtown bakery. After showering up we played games, ate lunch, and played more games as a family until Dominic had to leave for work. We then surprised him by heading to the restaurant he works at or dinner and got to spent a little time with him while he was in action (which was awesome to observe). Chill as a family, spend more time together, and call it a night when the boys left to hang out with buddies after 9:30.
From start to finish it was family time. Tomorrow promises to be more of the same as we head to church and then out on the water for one last boat ride for LuLu.
As mentioned above, life is short, it is a gift. Between Dominic moving and LuLu’s health that message has been amplified. Knowing that change is the only given in life isn’t reason for sadness, rather it is a reminder to appreciate life and drink in each moment we are blessed to receive.
Presence:
On our ride to the restaurant Becky, Gavin, and I all had a shared moment of emotion as we talked about LuLu. The hurt was real, the moment sharing emotion with each other was exactly what a family does for each other. Love can help us all through difficult times.
What an excellent question to help clarify where our time, energy, and focus should be! My mind is still going back and forth wrestling with the answer to that one. Definitely one to remember and go back to often.
Appreciation:
Talking with Dominic while we do dishes before he goes to work. Snuggling with LuLu in the sun on the deck. Talking with Becky before and during supper. Talking with Gavin while watching Messi kick the game winner in his first MLS match. One on one with with my family, what a perfect evening!
Presence:
Snuggling on the deck with LuLu and getting smiles like this? Yes please!
Thankful for Forty 